Adoption Journal

Adoption Journey on hold

2006-08-28T10:16:00.000-05:00

Well it looks as if our adoption journey will be on hold for a little while. I do not want to say that it is over because I still feel that one day we may still adopt. We are putting our journey on hold now because I am pg. It still feels weird to say it. After trying for almost 5 years, it seems so weird for it to just happen like it did. But I am so grateful that is has. I needed a break from adoption anyway, and I would probably not have let myself take that break as my desire to be a mom is so strong. Now I have to take a break and that is okay. I can wait until March for a baby to come to us. And I am excited to experience all the things about pg that I thought I would miss out on. I will be closing this blog for a time, but may revisit it later when our adoption journey starts up again. If you would like to follow our current journey, come check out my pg journal at http://lyndapregnancy.blogspot.com/.

No more hope

2006-08-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated for a while, but basically Mike and I have no more hope for this situation to happen. To make a long story short, B has stopped all contact with the agency and with us, and no one is able to reach her. It appears she is trying to disappear, at least from us.

It hurts that we lost yet another baby. It doesn't seem fair that we had to go through this again, but I know that we can get through it, as we have done so before. We prayer for B and T and those three little babies everyday. No matter how big our family grows one day, I know that Mike and I will always feel that we are missing three little ones.

Friday we met Lucky

2006-08-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, that is what B named her, Lucky Star. She was born on Aug. 3rd, 6lb 4oz and 20.5 inches long. She is so beautiful and precious. The only way I can tell exactly what happened is to start from the very beginning.

On August 2nd I called B to see how she was doing. We had a good chat and she told me that she had a dr. appt the next day. So I told her I would call her the next day to see how her dr. appt went. The next day came and we got a call from Matt saying that B had the baby. We later found out that she woke up about 5:00 in the morning with labor pains, and the baby came about an hour and half later. It was so quick they couldn't give her anything for the pain so she told us this labor was the worst one. After we heard that the baby was born we were planning on heading to Atlanta on Sunday after she had signed the papers, but B wanted to talk to me so I talked to her and she told me that she couldn't understand why we weren't there now. She thought we wanted to be there as soon as the baby came. I explained to her that we did, but that there were things that needed to get taken care of first. She told me that all she wanted was to be able to place the baby in my arms and look me in the eye and know that she was doing the right thing. I told her we would get there as soon as possible.

Even though we knew we were taking a big risk to come out before she had signed the papers, we decided to go ahead and get out there as soon as we could. We took care of a few things that needed to get taken care of and drove to Atlanta very early on Friday morning. We arrived in Atlanta about 9:00 in the morning and we went straight to the hospital to meet B and the baby. When we saw that sweet precious girl both Mike and I got really emotional. B told us to pick her up. Mike held her first and was trying so hard to not cry. It was very touching. He then handed the baby to me and gave B a hug. We could both tell that B was very happy we were there.

Then before we really could start talking with B, B's mom came in. She could tell that we had been crying and she told us to hold in our emotions because it was hard for her to see and hard for B. She then went on to tell us that she did not approve of the adoption, and she began to voice to us all of her concerns. The SW tried to step in a little bit, but B's mom would have none of that and really got upset with her. After listening to B's mom for awhile, Mike asked if it would be okay if we just talked with B. Her mom would have none of that, so we asked the SW to step out and we talked with B and her mom alone. B's mom was most concerned about the fact that she was losing a granddaughter and that she would not be a part of her life. She wanted us to send pictures and letters and she also wanted to be able to call whenever she wanted. She also asked if we would allow her to come visit maybe once a year. This was all thrown at us, but after discussing things with her, we told her that we would be comfortable with most of what she was asking. She also does not like the agency so she wanted to deal directly with us. We told her that we were okay with that too, and told her after the adoption was finalized we would deal directly with her. So her attitude seem to change after that and everyone seemed okay with everything. At first she didn't even want to hold the baby because she said it would be too hard, but after talking with her she was okay to hold the baby again. Everything seemed to be going really well.

We spent the rest of the morning taking pictures and visiting. So many wonderful things took place. B's mom was laughing with us and teasing us. She told me that she wanted a picture of Mike changing a diaper, because she didn't believe he would do it. Well Lucky's diaper needed to be changed while we were there and she wanted Mike to do it, so he did. It was a messy diaper and Lucky kept sticking her foot in it. Poor Mike tried so hard, but he did a good job and everyone agreed. That morning also we met B's brother and his fiance. B said on a number of occasions that she knew we were supposed to be the parents of her daughter. Around lunch time we could tell that B needed some time alone. She was getting really quiet, so we decided to leave and go get lunch. Right before we left Lucky started to fuss a little and I picked her up and calmed her and laid her back down. Everything just felt so good.

When we got back to the hospital things had changed. We found out that a hospital SW had come in to talk with B about her decision. She told B that she should not make such a big decision until 5 days had passed. This was really hard for us to hear, especially because we thought that everything was going so well. I started getting really emotional. When B talked to us about it, she just asked for some more time. We told her that this was bringing up a lot of emotion from our previous situation that hurt us so much. We asked her to make a decision soon. Her mom jumped in and said that they were only asking for five days. Her seemed to be unsupportive again. There was a brief moment before we left that B's mom left the room. B told us that she knew what she wanted and that was to place her daughter with us, but that everyone was telling her different things and that she was getting really frustrated. We told B that we cared for her and that no matter what happened that wouldn't change. I then walked over to Lucky and said goodbye, she was soundly sleeping in the bassinet. We left.

We decided to stay over night. B was supposed to be discharged the next day and we were hoping that maybe she would decide to place Lucky with us before she was discharged. The next morning came and we didn't hear anything, so we decided to start heading home. We found out later that B was discharged with the baby and that they went to her mom's house. We have been trying to get a hold of B since we have been home, but have not been able to reach her. She has called the SW since she left and told her that she still plans to place the baby, but that no one is allowing her to make the choice.

The agency has decided to lay low until Wednesday and see what happens. I still have a lot of hope that this will work out. I do believe that B wants to place Lucky with us, I just hope she can stand up against those that would have her change her mind. I am going to try to continue to try to contact her, just to see how she is doing.

Moving

2006-07-31T09:12:00.000-05:00

I hate moving. This weekend has been so tiring. Thank goodness we have some wonderful friends who helped us get everything done. Our house is sort of a disaster area at the moment, because everything is everywhere, but at least everything is out of the apt and the apt is clean. The unpacking will have to come slowly and that is fine.

I have not had a chance to call B because I have been so busy with the move. Our phone is also not hooked up at the house yet and we have no internet yet, which is driving both Mike and I crazy. I did find out from Matt that at B's appt on Thursday the dr. told her she was not ready to be induced. So we are still in the waiting game. It has turned out okay though, since Mike and I have been so stressed over this move. We also found out that we need new medicals and background checks, so we need to hurry and try to get those done before that baby is born. I do hope that baby comes this week though, and that we can get the paperwork that we need done quickly. I don't want to wait much longer. I just want to know how this will all turn out.

Talked with B

2006-07-26T08:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I talked with B. I still do not know how things are going to work out. I want so much for this to work, but B is not happy with a lot of things right now. I think mostly it is just the fact that she is very pg and very uncomfortable. She has been upset with Hannah, but I don't think it is anything that Hannah has done. After talking with B last night, I realized that she does not know a lot about adoption. She does not know that things have to be done a certain way for things to happen legally. When I tried to explain that to her, I could tell she was frustrated. I think she doesn't understand, so it makes her upset. I do feel like she is still set on going through with the adoption. She just is having a hard time right now and is acting out towards the agency. She said that she feels comfortable with us and that she thinks we will be good parents. She also told me that she feels I have been honest with her.

I really hope the baby is born soon, then all this uncertainty can be put to rest. I did not ask her about her being induced on Thursday because I felt it was better to let her just vent her frustrations at me, I just tried to listen mostly. I could tell that she had been crying when I called her. I think things are just really rough for her right now. I think I may try to call her again soon.

ups and downs

2006-07-24T08:24:00.000-05:00

This has just been one rollercoaster ride after another. Still not sure how this will play out and going crazy trying to figure it out. First I heard from Matt on Friday. He told us that B had a dr. appt. and they told her that she could be induced on Thursday. He than told me that B had called to talk to Hannah a few times just to see how I was doing. I was happy to hear that. B also told Hannah that she wanted to talk to me again on the phone. No mention was made if we would be able to meet her mom or not. Matt also told us that if the baby was born on Thursday, then they could have her sign MS papers on Sunday. If B signed MS papers instead of GA papers, she would not be able to change her mind afterwards. We are in the process of moving in to a new home and have been trying to get everything finished before the baby comes. We figured this will give us the whole week and then hopefully we could head to Atlanta on Sunday to meet our daughter. I was feeling so good all weekend. It just felt like everything was falling into place.

Today we found out a whole new story. Mike talked to Matt this morning, and all of a sudden B's attitude has changed about everything. She seems to not be happy with the help that LDS FS has given her and seems to be upset with Hannah. She now won't even tell Hannah for sure if she is going to be induced on Thursday or not. So now, we are back to not knowing what will happen. Maybe she is just having second thoughts and this is the way she is expressing it. I am not sure. I hope I get to talk to her again. But I guess we will just have to see how this plays out and try to remain hopeful.

I was just saying to a friend this weekend how my fear has just left me and I was feeling so good about things. Now I'm right back to feeling that fear and hoping and praying that this little girl is in our arms soon.

Update

2006-07-19T08:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have talked with Hannah and with Matt about everything and I am feeling better, but still unsure how things will play out. The day after our face to face, I was feeling really emotional and scared. I decided to call Matt since he is my SW and talk to him about what I was feeling. I think I bombarded him with everything as he had just got back into town (poor guy). He told me that he thinks that the ride home from Atlanta surfaced a lot of my memories from the failed placement with the twins and he thinks that all my emotions were completely normal for what I went through and am going through. But he also told me he felt really good about this situation, and he then conferenced Hannah into the call so she could give me an update on B.

Hannah said that the day after the face to face, B called her to ask her what we thought. Hannah said this is already a really good thing, because B has to go out of her way to call Hannah as she does not have a phone. Anyway Hannah and B talked for about 40 minutes. B said she did feel awkward and that she just didn't know how to relate to us. She told Hannah that we were just so different then people she is used to talking with. B really grilled us with questions at the face to face, and we didn't really ask her a lot of questions. This was partly because we are generally shy but also because we felt uncomfortable at times. So B asked Hannah why we didn't ask her very many questions and Hannah explained to her that we were probably afraid to say the wrong thing. Hannah told me that she thought B was finally realizing what it may have felt to be us. She didn't think that B had even thought of that. B was only focusing on what she was feeling and didn't think of what we might be feeling. B seemed to realize more that it was probably difficult for us too.

A few things that she told Hannah that she really liked about us was that Mike is a teacher. She really liked that, because it means her daughter will be smart (her words). She also really liked the name that we had picked out. We told her we might name her Marie, even though we were unsure of that ourselves, but it is the only name we have right now. She and her boyfriend really liked that name. She was really impressed that we already had a carseat. Hannah then said that B talked about all the things that her daughter would have that she didn't have and how much that meant to her. Hannah told me she was forward thinking about everything. Hannah also pointed out to B that her daughter was going to be a leader for her race, just because she will have the opportunities and B really liked the thought of that.

Now looking back, I can remember the positive things from the face to face, such as B and I have a few things in common, like we both hate wearing lipstick, we both enjoy playing video games, we both like to go fishing, we both bite our nails. Also she talked a lot about how much she loved her daughter and wanted more for her daughter. She told me, "Just tell her that I loved her so much that I wanted to give her more and this is the only way I can do that." I could also tell the whole time that she was very set on the adoption, she knew that adoption was the best choice.

Hannah also told us that B said her mom was sorry that she missed us on Sunday and really wants to meet us. Hannah was hoping that we could arrange another face to face. Mike and I are open to this but we are unsure about the idea of taking the long drive to Atlanta again before the baby comes (I was surprised how emotionally draining that was for me). I really do want to meet her mom. I wish they were closer to us, because I think that B would be open to me coming by every once in a while and getting to know her better. She had made a comment how I should have been a part of the pg sooner so the baby would recognize my voice, which I thought was so sweet for her to think of, but would be too hard because of the distance.

So although Mike and I are still hopeful that this will happen, we still are feeling cautious, partly because of what we experienced before, and also because when Hannah asked B what she thought of us, she never said that she was comfortable with us, or that she knew we were the right family, she only said that she trusts Hannah and if she tells her we are good people, then she is okay with that.

Face-to-Face

2006-07-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was our face-to-face, and I wish I could say that it was just wonderful and that everything feels so good, but I can't. It was confusing, sometimes I felt everything was going good and other times I felt like things were not going to well. It was really hard to get a feel for what B was thinking. I left feeling really confused. I don't know how B feels about us at this point. I hope she still feels okay about us, but I just don't know anymore. If she is uncomfortable with us, I would rather we found out know than later. We should find out more when Hannah gets a chance to talk with her this week and she is going to ask her straight out about how she feels.

So basically this is how the day went. First we got up and left home around 7:30 in the morning. After a long drive we met Hannah at the office about 1:30pm. We then drove with Hannah to B's apt. Hannah told us this was a first, that she had never done a face-to-face at the bmom's home. LDS FS got her into a nice apt, and you would never know that she was struggling so much financially when you walk into the apt. Everything was really good at first, besides feeling a little awkward. We met her boyfriend, but he is not the father of the baby. Although many times he acted like he was. He is the father of the boys. We talked for a while. Her youngest boy was taking a nap and the other two were outside playing. They eventually came in and we met them. One of them hugged us right away when he came in, which was so cute. They were both really interested in the stuff we had. We had brought some photo albums and B looked through them. She also showed us an album she had. This whole time we were just talking about many different things and sometimes it felt good and positive and other times it felt awkward and weird. It was really hard to tell what she was thinking a lot of the time. She was open to us about a lot of stuff, but it felt like she really didn't trust us very much. We eventually pulled out the gifts we brought and all the boys loved that. All the boys loved what we brought, and B was happy with what we had brought for her too. Her mom was supposed to be there, but did not show, so we left what we brought for her mom with B. We stayed for about 2 hours and then we left.

Afterwards we talked with Hannah about how we felt, and how are biggest concern was that we did not think she really liked us. Hannah told us that she would talk with her about us, and ask her how she felt and let us know afterwards. It is hard to know how to feel right now. I was so hoping for a better experience. Hopefully I will know more when Hannah calls.

We get to meet B

2006-07-14T08:46:00.000-05:00

We are scheduled for a face-to-face to meet B on Sunday. I am so excited about this, but am a little nervous too. I really hope she likes us and that she feels good about the adoption after meeting us. I think this is a really good thing that she is willing to meet us. She is also being very open as she wants us to come to her home. The more I talk to Hannah about everything the more I feel good about this situation. I really feel like this is going to happen. I know B can always change her mind, and I am still going to try to be prepared for that, but I am more and more hopeful about this everyday.

Yesterday Mike and I went shopping to find something to give B and her family. We got her some practical things like towels and pans, because she needs those things, but also bought her some pampering stuff, like lotion and bath wash. I really hope she likes it. The stuff I picked out smelled so good to me when I smelled it but now I am wondering if it is too strong. I know that you are more sensitive to smells when you are pg, so I hope she does not think the smell is too strong. We also picked up a picture frame for her mom. We are not sure if she is going to be there, but want to have something for her if she is. We also picked up some things for B's boys. We got some toy cars for all of them, some coloring books and crayons for the older two boys, they are 6 and 4 years old and a preschool age puzzle for the younger boy, he is 1. I am excited that we get to meet them too. I hope they warm up to us fast, because Mike and I are more relaxed with kids around.

Sunday is going to be a long day, but I think it will be a very good day. I am so excited to meet B and her family. I hope everything goes well.

Breath

2006-07-07T20:46:00.000-05:00

I have been reminding myself to do that a lot today. I should be extremely excited right now, but I keep having to tell myself to breath in and out. Today when I got back to work from my class there was a message on my phone from Hannah. She is a SW at LDS FS but not our SW, although she was the one that we dealt with quite a bit with the other situation, because she was T's SW. Anyway, of course I wanted to call her back right away, but I cannot call long distance from work, and I had left the calling card at home. I was going crazy trying to figure out how to call her when she called back. She must have been really in tune to me, because she called me back because she thought maybe I would not be able to call her from work since it was long distance. She proceeded to tell me that we had been selected by a BM.

I knew she was going to say that, but I was still not prepared for it. All I could think of was, I can't go through this again. I just had the hardest time letting it really sink in. This was my biggest fear after the failed adoption, that it would effect me so much that I would not let myself get excited for the next opportunity that came our way. I really thought that I was prepared to here that we had been chosen again, but I don't think I was.

I am excited and extremely happy of course, but there is a lot of fear inside of me too. I don't know if that fear will ever leave me until I am officially a mother. Mike is out of town until tmw, so I have only been able to talk to him on the phone. I wish he was here right now so that we could really talk about this and lean on each other. I feel like if I can get through this weekend, or even just get through this time before Mike gets back home, I will feel better about things. I hope.

We are expecting a baby girl. The BM (B) is AA and the BF is Puerto Rican. She is due on August 11th, but it is looking like she may come early. Hannah called us, because Matt (our SW) is out of town, and she wanted to give us a heads up in case she did go early. B has three other children, all boys. She is not financially able to care for her family and that is why she has chosen adoption. She does not know where the BF is right now. Hannah feels she is committed to the adoption, and that she does not have any other option. I wish that were true, but as past experience has shown me, there is always another option.

So many things about this situation are so similar to the past one, and I think that is making it so much harder for me to be hopeful that it will work. As I drove home from work today, I noticed how beautiful and sunny the day was. Completely opposite of the pouring rain that happened on that day that we found out we were expecting the twins. For whatever reason that gave me hope. I hope to be able to tell my little girl about how beautiful today is, when I found out I was going to be her mom.

I do not know yet if this is going to be an open or closed adoption. Hannah thinks that B will want to meet us and possibly her mom too, but they have not yet discussed that. A story that Hannah told me was when she was talking with B, B asked her if she would have a say in the naming of the baby. Hannah told her that she could name the baby and it would be on the birth certificate but that it might be changed later. B then said, if I could name the baby, I would call her Lucky, because she is so lucky that she is going to have a mom and a dad. I hope that she really wants that for her baby and that she remembers that after the baby is born. Things can happen so fast now, but I have a feeling they will feel like they might last forever.

3 months old

2006-06-12T21:42:00.000-05:00

The twins are three months old today. I wonder how big they are, and how they are doing. I wish I knew.

Summer semester has started and I have been keeping busy with that. Tyler, my nephew, came back from SL with us to visit for a while. It has been fun having him here, he will be staying until the end of June. It doesn't look like we will be able to buy a house this summer like we expected. I was disappointed at first, but it will be okay. Maybe the first house we buy will be where we stay for a long time, that would be nice.

Not a whole lot to report, nothing new has been going on with the adoption process. We are getting close to our year mark. I hope something happens before we hit it. I don't want to have to update our homestudy, but if we have to, it will be okay.

A friend of mine had her baby last week, I was able to visit her yesterday and hold him. Her baby was 9lbs 13oz when he was born. As I held him, I imagined the twins being half that size when they were born. I wonder how big they are now.

"Are you a mother?"

2006-05-14T20:24:00.001-05:00

Today is Mother's Day. I knew it might be a difficult day, but Mike and I had planned to do an LDS FS outreach with Sister Reed to a branch in our stake. A few years back I had learned not to let things about Mother's Day affect me. I usually just try to focus on my mother and what a great woman she is and the love I have for her, and then it is not a hard day for me. Today I knew might be a little different, because a few months ago I thought I was about to become a mother.

Sitting in this little branch during sacrament meeting I knew that the members there did not know of our situation, so I was bracing myself for anything that might be said that may cause me pain. As I listened to the speakers I was happy to hear their words as they all focused on their own mothers and one speaker talked about our Heavenly Mother and how all women have the characteristics of Her. I thought that was a wonderful message and something that I was grateful to hear. I thought I had gotten through the whole meeting without shedding a tear or feeling sorry for myself. But then they started passing out roses to all the mothers. The man who was handing them out asked me "Are you a mother?" I answered "No, not yet" and so he passed me by. I didn't really care about the rose, I didn't even want a rose, but I was surprised by the way the words of me saying that I was not a mother to this man affected me. My eyes started to sting and the tears started to come. I held it back as much as possible but I really wanted to leave the room and just break down. I didn't and by the time the meeting was completely over I felt I had my emotions in check. I did not want the day to be focused on what I wasn't or what I didn't have. After the meeting, I am sure there were people that noticed my red eyes and so a young man came over to me and gave me a rose. I felt silly then, because I never really wanted the rose. I always feel silly taking the mother's day gifts that are given out at church. I am frustrated with myself for letting that question get to me, but it did.

During RS/PH they had a combined meeting so that Sister Reed could talk about LDS FS. I was grateful for this as we would get to share with the members our testimony of adoption, this was the reason why we visited this branch, instead of going to our home ward. We only have a few minutes to share our testimony during the presentation so it is either Mike or I that says something, not both of us. I had shared my testimony in the last one we did, so Mike was going to do it this time. I was grateful for that because I knew it would be too emotional for me to talk about, especially today. When it was time for Mike to share his testimony the spirit was very strong and he was surprised with himself when he became emotional. Afterwards we had many people come up to us and tell us they enjoyed having us visit and appreciated Mike's testimony. They also wished us luck in our adoption journey. It really was a great meeting and I am grateful we had the opportunity to visit this little branch.

Although it would have been easier to stay home today from church and not worry about coming across anything that may cause me pain, I am grateful that I chose to go to church and was able to participate in this meeting. I do enjoy meeting the members of our stake and I know the more people that know of our desire to adopt, the faster we may be able to find our baby.

Adoption Training

2006-04-24T09:36:00.000-05:00

Saturday, Mike and I drove to Birmingham for an adoption training. It was good, even though I knew most of the stuff that was talked about. I was actually surprised how much some things hurt. There were two families there that had just recently been placed with children, and although I was very happy for them, I was sad to think that we should have two little ones with us at the meeting too. There was a couple sitting next to us that had a 3 month old AA boy, who was so adorable. I have a hard time not imagining what life should be like right now. I know I should stop thinking about it, but I just can't help it. The hardest part of the adoption training was when they started talking about when things go wrong. Of course not many people there knew about our recently failed adoption, but hearing about some other experiences were hard to listen too, mostly because they all had a happy ending to theirs. They had been blessed with a baby, so it was easier for them to talk about the hard times, because they were happy now, but I am not able to feel that. I know it should have brought me hope, but instead it hurt. I found myself trying so hard not to break down and let the sorrow overtake me. It was difficult but I managed to hold back. I was glad nothing was said about our particular situation, because if it had been I would not have been able to handle it. My life should be so different right now as I should be learning to handle life with twins, but it isn't and that makes me so sad.

I am having a hard time recently with what I should be doing. The semester is almost over and I have decided to go to school during the summer, but I am so afraid that something will happen and I will have to change everything again. I know I should not live my life as if something will happen, because then I will regret putting things off if nothing does happen, but I lost a whole semester of school because of what took place. We didn't loose any money because of the scholarships and financial aid that I had, but I no longer have that (at least not the scholarships), and so we will be out some money if it happens again. Of course part of me thinks so what, having a baby in our life is more important, but what if things go wrong again. Sometimes I think I should have never dropped my classes when we were matched with the twins. As it worked out we were in Atlanta the week of spring break, and so I would have been able to make it too all my classes, as hard it may have been at the time, I could have still been in school, if I knew this was going to happen. But of course I had no way of knowing it was going to happen, it is just hard to not think that I wasted this time. Now I am afraid, I don't know what to do.

Mike is graduating in August with his MA and it looks like we will be staying here for his PhD. This means that we get to buy a house and I am excited for that. We have never bought a house and I am a little nervous about it, because I feel like we don't know what we are doing and it's a big purchase. I do know it is better that we buy a house instead of throwing our money away in rent. Hopefully we can find something that we love, but is in our price range. Housing is not that expensive here, so I am hopeful for what we can find.

Meeting with SW

2006-04-07T18:33:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday we met with Brother Watson. He wanted to talk with us and see how we were doing. We talked for quite a while with him about the things we were going through. I can tell that he is hurting for us. We asked how many failed adoptions they have, and he said this was the first one they have had since he has been at the Georgia agency. That surprised me and hurt a little too, not sure why. I am sure they have had other failed adoptions before, but not since he has been there, which I think is about 2 or 3 years. They have had potential birthmothers change their minds before the baby was born, but this was the first one he had where the birthmother changed her mind after the baby was born. Brother Watson told us that many of the staff there are thinking of us and praying for us. I think we have people all over the country thinking and praying for us, probably some that we do not even know. I know that it is through all the prayers that have been said in our behalf that we have been able to get through this. I have blessed with added strength because of everyone's prayers, Mike too.

The thing that is the hardest part right now for me, is not knowing how T is doing and how the twins are doing. We asked Brother Watson, if he knew how she was doing. He could not tell us much, because he did not have many details, but told us that she still calls Hannah (her SW). I am glad she still keeps in contact with Hannah, because she needs all the support she can get. I hope that she is getting support from her family and her friends. I can only imagine what her life is like right now. I am worried about her and the twins.

My life is pretty boring right now. I have so much time on my hand it is driving me crazy. I hurt a lot when I think of how busy my life should be. It is almost as if I can imagine every minute of my day as it would have been if the twins were ours.

Today at work, Stacy, the gal in my office that adopted a baby boy in February, came in and brought her baby. I could tell that she was worried about bringing the baby in, afraid that it would cause me pain. At first it did, I felt very sad as soon as I heard her voice in the other room. She did not come see me at first, but gave her baby to someone else to hold while she did her evaluation (the reason she came into the office). The other gal brought little Daniel to me and asked me if I would like to hold him. Of course I did, and as held that little boy in my arms all my pain went away, and I was happy. I knew he wasn't mine, but it just felt so good to hold a little baby in my arms. When Stacy came looking for him and found that I had him, she was relieved that I was so happy to hold him. She told me that she had me on her mind recently and she hoped I was doing okay. I told her I was and that being around babies was my best medicine. She invited me to come over to her house at any time to hold and see little Daniel. I may just have to do that.

Another happy moment. I was at Wal-Mart yesterday and I was standing in line at the checkout. There was a AA family in front of me that had a little boy in the cart. He was so adorable and had to be just old enough to sit up. He had the cutest little 'fro on top of his head and a pacifier in his mouth. I smiled at him, and his whole face lit up with a big grin. I almost cried right there, it was so precious. After he smiled at me, his older brother got in his view and he tried and tried to look around him to see me. So cute.

A week full of emotions

2006-03-20T12:58:00.000-06:00

I think I will start at the beginning and post what basically took place from the time we heard the twins had been born. On monday morning we headed to Atlanta. We knew there was a good chance that we would not be able to see the twins that day because T had wanted to spend the day with them. We were fine with that, but wanted to make sure we were in Atlanta as soon as possible so we could see the twins as soon as we were able. On the way to Atlanta we made some phone calls and we're just so thrilled that we were going to meet our children that week.

We received a call from T's SW that afternoon saying that she was on her way to go visit T in the hospital and that T had expressed some doubts. Of course my heart skipped a beat, but then I thought to myself that it is probably very normal to doubt such a decision. After the phone call I told Mike and he said not to worry, we had no reason to believe she would change her mind. T's SW spent four hours at the hospital talking with her and trying to help her work through her grief. We later found out that T had lost a infant just last year and that was adding to her pain. Later that day the SW called us and told us she felt a lot better about the situation. She thought that T was just struggling emotionally, but that she would still go through with the adoption plan because she did not have a lot of options. I am not sure if I ever mentioned on the blog before but T has three other children she is raising. The SW continued to tell us that we should just be patient and she would let us know when we could see the babies. I asked her about sending flowers to the hospital for T, and at first she thought that might not be good until she talked with T again the next day to get a feel for how she was feeling. Later that night the SW called again and told us she had an idea. The following day was T's birthday, so she thought that it would be appropriate for us to send T flowers for her birthday, so we did.

After sending the flowers we tried to be patient and wait until T would allow us to see the babies. This whole time I really thought it was just a matter of time before she worked through her feelings and realized that placing the twins was really the best option still for them and for her. T's SW was suppose to talk with her that day and get back with us. Well later that day my MIL flew to Atlanta to be with us and to see the babies. After picking her up from the airport we went back to the hotel and waited. It really felt like forever. Later that afternoon we received a phone call from our SW who asked us how we were doing, and we told him that we were anxious and trying to be patient. He asked us to come down to the agency so that we could talk.

Mike and I were quite nervous at first thinking that he was going to give us bad news because he was asking us to come down. I was so nervous walking into the agency and waiting to see our SW. We only waited a few minutes for him but it seemed like forever. We talked with him and with T's SW who had come back from the hospital. Basically they did not tell us anything new, just that they felt they needed to get us out of the hotel room and gave us an update on T. Apparently T's SW had asked her about signing the paper and T had responded that she would sign them when she was ready. The SW did not bring them up again as it was her birthday and she was having visitors come through. Both SWs had told us that they were so confused by this situation, because T had never wavered from the adoption plan, she had always been so committed, so they were surprised by her actions now. This whole time I just kept thinking that at least she didn't say she wouldn't sign the papers and that I could wait until she was ready.

I did ask T's SW if she had taken some pictures (she had told us before that she was going to) and she responded she had, so I asked to see them. She was nervous to show them to us because she thought it would be harder if things didn't work out, but we really wanted to see them. We looked at them on her digital camera, so they were little pictures, but the babies are so adorable, and I continued to think that in the next day or so we would see them and hold them in our arms and they would be ours.

Because things had been taking longer than we had originally anticipated we decided we needed to find an extended stay hotel as it appeared our stay could end up being longer than two weeks. The next day, Wednesday, we knew we would just be waiting again, so we found an extended stay hotel and we went grocery shopping to have food on hand so we wouldn't have to keep eating out. After all that was finished we were in the hotel anxiously waiting. I remember hoping that when we got a call again they would tell us we could come see the babies. All I wanted to do was hold those babies in my arms. Our hotel was really close to the hospital and it was so strange to think that our babies were in the hospital but we couldn't go see them.

That afternoon the phone rang and it was Brother Watson, our SW. He told me that T felt like she couldn't go through with it and that he was so sorry. He said some other things, but after this point things started to become a blur. I do remember him saying that T had said her mother and her boyfriend were going to help her with the twins which surprised the SWs because they had never heard of a boyfriend before this and because T did not have a good relationship with her mother. But really that is all beside the point, as it is T's choice and she decided to parent. Brother Watson just kept telling me how sorry he was, and I could tell he was hurt by the whole thing too. I hung up the phone and I told Mike and Cindy (MIL) and then I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I don't know when I stopped. I remember Mikey asking his mom if she could give us a moment, and she went for a walk after giving us both a big hug. I know she was hurting too as the twins were suppose to be her first grandchildren and she came all the way to Atlanta to see them.

Mike and I cried together for the loss of those children. We had both thought our time to be parents had finally come and it was all taken away from us. We were both devastated and hurting and I am not sure how long we stayed there like that, but eventually Mike said "Let's go home." So we began to pack our things up and start back home.

I never really stopped crying the whole way home. I cried so hard that I made myself sick. I don't remember the whole drive, but I remember Mike having to pull over because I had to throw up and my head was pounding. I think we got home that night around 7:00 pm and I went straight to bed. I am glad Cindy was there because she helped Mike unpack the car and it allowed me to just go lay down. The next thing I remember was Mike coming in and he gave me a priesthood blessing.

The next day, I woke up and the realization of what had taken place the day before came back to me and I lost it again. Mike held me as I cried and I stayed in bed a long time. I had no appetite and couldn't eat. I felt like the pain would never go away. But fortunately as time passed things did get better, and things seemed more bearable. I know that many of the prayers that have been said in my behalf have helped me feel better and have allowed the pain to not be so strong.

This past week I have had so many emotions and thoughts. Everything had felt right about the adoption to both Mike and I. It had also felt right to the SWs and to all our family. I fell in love with those babies without ever having met them, and I know I will always think of them and wonder how they are doing. A part of me hopes that T may still change her mind, but I know I should not think that.

Both Mike and I have no bad feelings towards T. In fact we still very much care for her and think of her often. I know it must have been hard for her to think about going through the adoption and I know she will have many struggles raising twins with three other children. I only hope she can get help from family and friends as she goes through it. One thing that brings me comfort is I know that the twins will have love in their home and that T loves them very much.

Now the hard part is figuring out what to do with my life. I had anticipated being a mom of twins right now, and I rearranged my whole life for that. I dropped my classes at school and I went part time at work, none of which can be reversed. Also we have enough baby stuff in our home to accommodate twins that we will mostly like not have, even when we do finally become parents. I know that Mike and I will become parents still, and I still think adoption can be a wonderful experience, but there is always going to be this risk involved. I am afraid to be hurt again, and this makes me fear of how I might react when we find out another bm has chosen us. Will I guard my heart so tight that it will effect my relationship with the bm and the baby? This worries me, but there is nothing that I can do about it right now.

I am grateful for my testimony in the gospel and the knowledge that I have that I can trust in God and that He feels my pain, and no matter how much it hurts now, I know one day I will experience great joy when I do finally become a mother. I am grateful that I have my faith, because without it, going through this would have been so much harder. I am also so grateful for Mike. He has been much of my strength through this and has taken care of all the things that I just could not deal with right away. I am so blessed to have someone like him in my life.

M&M were born last night

2006-03-13T06:52:00.000-06:00

Last night we received a call from T's SW saying that she was going to take T to the hospital because she was having some pains. She was then going to call us once she got to the hospital and knew more. About 3 hours later she called to tell us they were taking her into surgery and that the babies were going to be born. I told her to call us as soon as they were born, to let us know all the details. She didn't want us coming to Atlanta last night, because she knew we wouldn't be able to see the babies. Around 12:30 am our time she called to tell us the babies were born around 11:30 pm Atlanta time, so 10:30 our time. Marie came first measuring at 4lb 6oz and 16 in. long. Michael is measuring at 5lb 1 oz and 17 in. long. Marie is in NICU on a breathing machine, but they do not expect her to have to be there for longer than a day. We are leaving this morning to head to Atlanta but T wants to spend the day with them today, and so we will probably not be able to see the babies until Tuesday.

Last night I was nervous, but I feel fine now. I wish that I could be there with the babies, but I understand how important it is for T to be able to see them and hold them before she says goodbye to them. As I was talking with T's SW last night she told me that on the way to the hospital they were talking and T asked her if she ever had anyone change her mind. The SW responded to her that yes it does happen and that when it does it is devastating. Then T response was, well you don't have to worry about that with me, I'm not changing my mind. The fact that she asked the question makes me feel that she has thought about it, but I do feel she is very committed to the adoption plan, so I expect all to go well. I don't really feel like a mom yet, probably because I am not until she signs her parental right away. But that is okay because I am still an expecting mom who will soon me a mom and I am so excited.

M&M both over 5 lbs.

2006-03-08T12:12:00.000-06:00

M&M stands for Michael and Marie, not sure if I have ever mentioned that in the blog. Our son's name is going to be Michael Robert and our daughter's name is going to be Marie Anne. They are our M&M babies, lol.

T had a dr. appt today and both babies are measuring over 5 lbs. Baby Michael is measuring 5 lbs 14 oz and baby Marie is measuring 5 lbs 6 oz. They are definitely big enough now to be born. T is also dilated 3 cm. She is worn out from this morning and is going home to take a nap, but I hope it isn't too much longer that they decide to deliver those babies. She is going to have a c-section, but they have not scheduled it yet. They are waiting until she goes into labor and then they will do the c-section. I really hope it is soon, this waiting is driving me crazy. But I know the waiting is almost over. It is amazing to think that I am almost a mom. I am so excited.

March

2006-03-01T08:28:00.000-06:00

Today is March 1st, which means my babies will be born in March. Since we knew we were matched I wondered if they would have a February or March birthday, but now I know it will be March. Saturday is my mom's birthday so I think it would be wonderful if they were born on that day, and could share a birthday with their grandma, but whenever they come will be fine.

The waiting is hard for me. I think it is mainly because I want to have them in my arms and have the control of what happens to them. I have already started to think of them as my children, so it is hard to not have any control of their well being right now, but I know that the longer they stay put the healthier they will be when they are born. I do believe that T is taking good care of them too, which gives me comfort. Things are going well for T as far as I know. She had some preterm labor and has been in the hospital, but she was released last week, and is doing well. Her last dr. appt was on Monday, and our SW told us she is doing well. She has also decided that she wants to see the babies after they are born. We have been praying that she will have comfort and peace with her adoption plan, and I think that this will help her find that comfort and peace. I would hate for her to have any regrets afterwards.

I feel that we are mostly ready for the babies to come, but I don't know if we will ever completely be ready. My office is planning a shower this Friday for me, they are so excited for us too. One of my co-workers who also has been hoping to adopt, was able to bring her baby home just last week. It is crazy how things happen, I actually found out about our match before she found out about the potential situation that brought their son home, they had been waiting for almost two years, and now they have their son home already. Adoption is really an amazing thing, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to experience it.

Baby Shower

2006-02-20T19:24:00.000-06:00

Last friday, the sisters in the ward threw my a baby shower. It was so fun. I was nervous that it might feel weird because I am not pg, but it didn't at all. Some of the sisters teased me, telling me I looked so good for expecting twins in a couple of weeks. They planned my favorite meal with a little help from Mike, it is Hot Cha Cha. They also tied some quilts and we mostly just visited together. There was no games planned, which was so nice, nothing silly to embarrass me, LOL. Candice, who took charge of the whole thing had contacted my family and Mike's family to see if they wanted to send anything for it. Mike's family sent a DVD of the family after they found out about the adoption, and some of them said things into the camera, like congrats and offered us some advice. My family sent some gifts. The rest of the time was spent opening gifts and we got a lot of stuff. We have so many cute clothes now, and we even got some really cute preemie outfits. I have had fun over the weekend going through them. One sister gave us a picture frame, that had a spot for two pictures and it had a poem with it. I read the poem a loud to everyone and it made me cry. It was such a good poem and it also had a spot behind the frame to put a letter you write to your child when they are just a baby, and keep it there for them to read later at a future time in their life. It was a very sweet gift. I had such a fun time. Here is the poem that made me cry.

The Chosen Heart

Longing for a child to love,

I'd wish upon the stars above.

In my heart I always knew,

A part of me was meant for you.

I think how happy we will be,

Once I adopt you, and you adopt me.

I dream of all the joy you'll bring,

Imagining even the littlest things.

The way it will feel to hold you tight,

And tuck you in every night.

The drawings on the refrigerator door,

And childhood toys across the floor.

The favorite stories read again and again,

And hours of games with make-believe friends.

The day you took my outstretched hand,

A journey ended, but our lives began.

Still mesmerized by your sweet face,

Still warmed inside by our first embrace.

I promised to give you a happy home,

And a loving family all your own.

A house you've now made complete,

With laughter, smiles and tiny feet.

A parent is one who guides the way,

Know I will be there everyday.

Rest easy as each night you sleep,

A lifetime of love is ours to keep.

Longing for a child to love,

I'd wish upon the stars above.

In my heart I always knew,

A part of me belonged to you.

Got a call from our angel's SW

2006-02-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

Today I received a call from our angel's SW. She told me our angel's name, but I will probably still refer to her as our angel, or "T", since this is posted online and I want to respect her privacy. It was nice to finally have a name to call her. Anyway, T went into labor, but they were able to stop it. She is in the hospital now and is expected to be discharged on Sunday. Our son is measuring 4lb 5oz and our daughter is measuring 3lb and an undertermined amount of oz (she was not cooperating to be measured). Although we would like them to stay put a little longer, this is wonderful news, because it means that if they are born today or really soon, they should be fine. The SW also gave us a few more details about T which is helpful in terms of trying to find a gift for her. It is hard to think of something to give her that will compare to what she is giving to us, but I hope we can find something that will show her how grateful we are to her, and how much we admire her, for her choice.

Tomorrow the sisters in the ward have planned a shower for me. I was a little nervous about it, since we don't have the babies in our arms yet, but now after talking to our angel's worker, I am really excited. I am still hoping and praying that everything goes as planned, but everything just feels so right, it is hard for me to think that it won't happen. It is amazing to think that I could be a mom so soon. It is something that I have been waiting for a long time to be, and yet I feel so inadequate to be a mom. I feel like I won't know what I am doing, but at the same time I can't wait for it to finally happen.

We bought a crib

2006-02-09T11:43:00.000-06:00

So last night, Mike and I went shopping. We bought a crib and a pack 'n play. We also picked up a crib sheet and a couple of blankets. We looked at carseats while we were out, but they did not have a good selection. We will have to find some time to drive to Tupelo or Jackson to find something better. Mike put the crib up last night, and it looks ready to have a couple of babies in it, so exciting. We bought the pack 'n play to take with us to Atlanta. There is a good chance that the babies will have to be in the hospital while we have to be there, but if there is a chance we can take them home, but still need to stay in GA, we will have them sleep in the pack 'n play or their carseats, depending what works best for them. It is so fun to think of all this.

We have a lot of support from everyone around us. So many people have offered to give us things, like diapers, formula, clothes, that their little ones didn't use or grew out of. I am sure before we know it our house will be full of baby stuff. The ward is throwing me a shower next week. In a way if still feels weird to have a shower, but I am excited for it too. Many people that adopt don't have a shower until after the baby comes, but everything just feels so right, and it would be nice to have more things before the babies get here, so we feel more prepared.

We found out a few more details this week. I am going to refer to the birthmother as "our angel" from now on as I want to call her something different than the birthmother and we do not know her name. Our angel is currently seeing her dr. on a weekly basis, where they are doing u/s each time to make sure the babies are continuing to grow well. She told her worker that she would save the u/s pics for us, which I think is so sweet of her. The dr. will not take the babies before 34 weeks, which would be about 3 weeks from now, but it appears he would like her to go longer than that. She is understandably getting more uncomfortable and would like the babies to come as early as possible. So still not sure when it will actually happen. We were told that we could be at the hospital when they are born but we are not sure on the exact details. I hope that means we can see the babies right after they are born.

Things are starting to feel real, and I am so excited for all that will take place in the next month and beyond. I walked by the crib this morning (it is in our room) and I just wanted to cry, I am so happy. Mike thinks I am weird, but I don't care. It is finally happening for us, and we are truly blessed.

She picked us!!!!!

2006-02-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

I am still in shock. We are expecting twins in 4 weeks. I came home for lunch today, to find a message on the phone from Brother Watson. He just asked us to call back and that he had some questions for us. I called him back and he asked a few questions, and then he said, "ok, you have 4 weeks, because she picked you". He totally caught me off guard, and I repeated what he said, to make sure I heard him right. When I was for sure of what he said, I could no longer speak, because I was crying. I choked out that I was going to give the phone to Mike, since I could not talk. I handed the phone to Mike, and I sat down and cried and cried, I just could not believe it was actually happening. Even now as I remember I am starting to cry again. I can only imagine what it will be like when I have those babies in my arms. So all afternoon, I have been grinning from ear to ear, or close to tears, I am just so happy.

As I drove home from work today, it was pouring rain outside. The kind of rain that makes you nervous to drive in, because you can hardly see in front of you. The only thing that I could think of when I was driving through the rain, is about the day I will tell my children about this day when I found out they were going to be my children. And how it poured outside, but I was so happy inside and how I didn't mind being in the rain that day, because I was so happy they were going to be apart of our family. I will tell them how I prayed for them for many years to come to our family, and today was the day I knew that my prayers had been answered.

So today, I told my boss and I looked into dropping all my classes for this semester, and we are going to have twins in about 4 weeks. That just sounds so crazy still. I know there are so many things to do still. I don't know if it is possible that we will be completly ready by then, but we will have a lot of help from friends and family. We are so blessed.

Brother Watson told us when the bm saw our profile for the first time, she said that we were a perfect match. I am just so thrilled. I am going to be a mom.

More info about the potential birthmother considering us

2006-01-30T15:20:00.000-06:00

Well, curiousity got the better of me, so I emailed our SW to find out more about this potential birthmother. He emailed me back and told me that she is AA (already knew that) and she is having twins (knew that) one of each gender (didn't know that). She is not a member of the church, they do not have any information on the Birthfather. She is due in April, but expect her to be induced in March. They do not have her medical history yet, but the babies are looking strong and healthy on ultrasound. It was just so nice to hear more about her, and I am even more excited about it. I don't know how many other couples she is considering, and I really shouldn't be too hopeful, but I just can't help it. One thing that I mentioned to Brother Watson, was that it was hard not to be hopeful about this situation since it is the first time that we have been considered. He assured me that we have been considered many times by other birthmoms. So I suppose he does not tell us when we are being considered, he must of just told us this time because he had some questions for us. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It is nice to know we are being considered by potential birthmothers, but at the same time, if we have been considered by many, why have we not been matched yet. I am not going to worry about that now though, we will just wait and see how this situation turns out and I can continue to be hopeful about it.

Yesterday we had the opportunity to be a part of Sister Reed's presentation about LDS FS. She was actually presenting in our ward this time, and many of the members of our ward already know that we are trying to adopt, but it was still good. Of course, I did not realize how difficult it would be for me to bear my testimony about adoption and not become emotional. I really don't even know what I said. We only had five minutes, so only I spoke this time. I am so grateful for adoption, and even though we are being a part of the presentation to help us find our baby, I know that I would want to keep doing it, even after we are placed. I think more people need to know about adoption and what LDS FS can offer birthparents.

We are being considered

2006-01-23T14:21:00.000-06:00

I am so excited. We received a call today from our SW saying that we are being considered by a potential birthmother. This is the first time he has told us this. He has told us before that we were going to be shown, but not that we are being considered. I know it doesn't mean it will happen with this potential birthmother, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I am so excited still. The only thing that we know about the potential birthmother is that she is AA (African American) and she is having twins. We don't even know when she is due. We will just have to wait and see what happens, but I just can't help but be so excited about this.

We received an email from a potential birthmother

2006-01-18T08:57:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe how exciting this is to me, even though it might not lead anywhere. I check certain message boards regularly where potential birthmothers can post to adoptive couples, letting adoptive parents know of their situations and also telling adoptive parents what they are looking for in an adoptive couple. Adoptive parents can in turn email the potential birthmothers and see what happens. Most of these dear potential birthmothers are overwhelmed with the response they receive after making a post, and therefore are usually not able to respond back to everyone. I have emailed a number of potential birthmothers that I have found this way and have never received a response, until now. The response was something like this, she had not yet decided what she was going to do, but that she appreciated our email and when she had thought through her feelings and made a decision she would let us know. I think she must be a very thoughtful person as she took the time to respond to us, it sounded as if she was trying to email everyone that had responded to her. So as excited as it made me to receive the email, it may not lead to anything and I am okay with that. It just makes me feel like things are happening and that is good, it makes the waiting a little more easier.

I still am trying to think of some ways that we can get our name out to people here in Starkville. School started today and I hope I might be able to find some places on campus to place our cards or possibly make a flyer to put up somewhere. We are hoping to go visit another ward in our stake this month with Sister Reed, if that works out we will be able to meet more people in our stake and let them know of our desire to adopt. Also next month there is a Parenting Conference that our stake is doing, and we are planning to attend. This will count towards adoption training and it will also be a good way to let others know in our stake of our desire to adopt. Hopefully this will help things move along faster.

The new year is here.

2006-01-05T15:03:00.000-06:00

Wow, it is actually 2006. That is just amazing to me. Time really does just fly by. The holidays were wonderful. We were able to go home to SL and see everyone. I cannot believe how much I missed being home. I was really surprised at how homesick I had been and didn't even realize it until I went home. I really do hope we get to move closer to everyone soon, but if it doesn't happen I will just have to make more visits. A whole year without going home was just too much.

Another amazing thing to me is that it is very possible that this is the year that we will become parents. I know that it may not happen, but I am hoping it does. I am actually surprised at how much hope I have that it will happen this year. The best possible thing to happen is for our baby to come before this summer so we won't have to transfer or update any of our paperwork if we end up moving. For some reason I think it will happen by this summer, but a part of me doesn't want to be too hopeful. I have been so hopeful so many times before when it came to growing our family, and it hurts too much when it doesn't happen. Yet still I can't help but be excited and hopeful that our time to be parents is very soon.

So many family and friends that received our Christmas newsletters and cards expressed to us their desire to help us find our baby. Many people now know of our desire to adopt and have the means to spread the word. We sent out pass-along cards in all our letters so that people can easily give out our information. Becky and Kevin did the same thing and so now many people have our information to share at their fingertips. I also need to start thinking of making ourselves more known here in Mississippi. I am thinking of finding some places on campus to put up a flyer or something. I have until the 18th before school starts, so I should have plenty of time to think of some more things to do to make sure we find our baby soon.

Yah!!! The semester is finished.

2005-12-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

It is so nice not to have to think about anything school related. I have never been more relieved to be finished with a semester than I am with this one. I think between school, work and church, it has all just taken its toll on me. It will probably be the same next semester, but until then I am going to enjoy this six week break.

Today we got all our Christmas newsletters and cards sent. We used the picture to the left of Pepper in our newsletter. With all the cards and letters we included a note about our adoption and how others can help us find our baby. We also included adoption cards in each one so that others can easily hand out our information if they would like. This is a good way to get our information out to a lot of people. You never know who might be the one to tell a our childs's birthmother about us. I really feel that we will have a baby next year sometime, maybe it is wishful thinking, but it is good to hope, right? We also might be moving next summer so things might be more complicated if we aren't placed by then. But we will manage if that is what happens. I know that we will find the baby that is meant to be in our home.

On Thursday, we are going home to SL for the holidays. I am really excited about that. It seems like forever since I have seen everyone. We are going to try to drive straight through, so I hope the weather is good and that we both can stay fully awake when we are driving. I am not too worried about Mike, because he is really good about stopping when he is getting too tired to drive. It is cool to think that a week from today we will be in SL with all our family. Can't wait.

Life is busy

2005-11-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my birthday and I really didn't have any time to celebrate it. How sad is that. Not that I really care about celebrating my birthday. I wouldn't let Mike take me out to dinner last night because I had too many things to do. He did take me out to lunch, though. We can always celebrate another day and we will, but I just never thought I would be too busy to celebrate my own birthday. It is okay though, if I wasn't busy I would probably just be lazy.

The adoption efforts continue. We know our profile has been shown at least a few times. I am actively trying to find potential birthmothers on a regular basis and have emailed a few that I have found on message boards and what not. Nothing has come from that yet. I keep hearing how there are so many unwanted pregnancies in Mississippi, I don't know if that is true but that is what I hear. I need to start trying to figure out how to reach potential birthmothers here.

We were recently told by our SW that we have to attend adoption training, something he failed to mention to us previously. They don't have them very often and we missed the recent one they had in Atlanta. They are planning one in Jan. in Birmingham, so hopefully we should be able to attend that one. The hardest part about adopting right now is just the not knowing when. I have no doubt that we will be matched with a birthmother and will have a baby soon, but it could happen tomorrow or it could happen a year from now, it is just so crazy to think about.

It's no fun being sick

2005-10-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

All I can say, is that it is awful being sick. I don't think that in the years that Mike and I have been married, we have ever been sick at the same time. But there is a first for everything, and this past week we were both sick. We both had bronchitis something that isn't even contagious, Mike had tonsillitis too. It is even worse when we are both sick, because neither of us can take care of the other. Thankfully we are both feeling a lot better now, and we were sick over fall break, so besides getting a little behind on homework we did not miss that much.

Today was a good day. Mike and I home teach a Deaf couple in our ward and we somehow convinced Brother Moore to come to church today (he has been inactive for many years). I am still amazed that we were able to get him to come. Not sure if he will keep coming, but at least it is a start. The members of our ward are so great that I am positive that he felt welcome and the spirit was very strong today so I am sure that he felt it. Of course I also enjoyed interpreting for them both and I had taught the primary children a song in sign, so they sang that today (it was the primary program). It really was a great meeting.

We spoke with Sister Reed today, she is the Family Services representative in our area. She told us that next year she will be going around to the other wards and branches in the stake with a presentation about LDS Family Services. She asked us if we would be willing to go with her and introduce ourselves to other members of the stake and let them know we are actively "finding" our baby. Of course we said yes. This gives us a great opportunity to let many people know about our desire to adopt. This could open up many opportunities, so it is exciting.

Tornado Warning

2005-09-26T13:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I lived through my first tornado warning. I know this really doesn't have anything to do with adoption, but I figured I could post about it anyway. Since we have lived here there have been many tornado watches and a few tornado warnings in other counties close to us, but I cannot recall ever having a tornado warning in our county. Well, yesterday we did and it was one after the other. The sirens went off about 5 times from the time we got home from church through the evening. The storm was from hurricane Rita. It made me nervous at first, I really don't like the sound of the siren. We were fine, and no tornadoes hit down by us, but there was a tornado that hit MS State campus. We are actually on the other side of town from the campus (the city is small, so that really isn't that far still, but not real close either). They cancelled morning classes today so they could clean up. There were some residence halls that were hit and there was a mobile home park that was hit off campus. There was no deaths, thank goodness, but there were some people hurt from the mobile home park, and of course some of the mobile homes were destroyed. So that was my first experience through a tornado warning, and I am sure it won't be my last.

Now to focus more on our adoption journey. The other day Mike and I were talking about baby stuff. We were in the car driving home for lunch and I think we were discussing buying a crib. So we started talking about how everything could happen so quickly and how we probably should start buying some things to have on hand, in case we don't have a lot of time to when we find out we have been matched. As we are talking about this, Mike says to me, "you know, it could happen today, when we get home there might be a message on our answering machine from Brother Watson" (our social worker). I just kind of laughed at him at agreed that yes that was a possibility. We arrived home and Mike notices there is a message on the answering machine and he looks at me and says, "see that's Brother Watson". So I press play and who do you think it is, Brother Watson. Of course my heart jumped in my throat, but I knew there really could be a million other reasons why he was calling. But I still couldn't wait to find out, so I called him right back. Unfortunately he wasn't calling us to tell us we were matched or even that we were being considered. He found a mistake on our profile that we needed to fix and that was all. Now we have that fixed, so hopefully the next time he calls, it will be to give us happy news.

Online profile up

2005-09-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

We just got the email that said they have published are online profile with LDS Family Services. It is nice to know that people can find us on the web. Who knows what may come from that.

Life has been extremely busy right now. It seems that everything that needs to get done always falls on the same week. I survived my first Enrichment night and although I was extremely stressed about it, it did go well.

I wish there was more I could do towards finding our baby. Hopefully I will think of some ideas that will not take a lot of time, as my time seems short these days. Mike decided he couldn't take me stressing out so much so he showed me how to schedule out my time better. It is sweet of him and I will start to do it, but I cannot guarantee that I still won't stress.

I find myself thinking about adoption all the time. I seem to notice pregnant women everywhere, and I always have such an excitement when I see them. I really don't know why, but it is completely different than when I was going through infertility because I would see a pregnant women and feel sad. Now, its almost as if I am not infertile anymore. It doesn't really make sense, but I am happy that I do not feel the same sadness as before.

Approved!!!!

2005-09-03T08:39:00.000-05:00

We got the call and we have been approved. It is so nice to hear that. What's even more exciting is that our profile is being shown to a potential birthmother today. I know that the we could still be a long way to having our baby, but it is just so exciting to me to be approved. Of course there is still tons of things that we could be doing to "find" our baby, so we need to start working on those. One of them is getting our online profile finished with LDS FS, that is the first thing on my list to do. I have received a new calling at church as 2nd counselor in the RS presidency, so that will make my life even more busy. But I am not concerned with that at this time. I am just so excited to be approved. Yah!!!

Everything sent today

2005-08-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

We are sending off the rest of our stuff today. Birthparent letter and collage (we had to send out about 20 copies). Hopefully some time in the next week or two we will find out if we are approved. I can't believe how quickly this all went. School started this week for Mike and I, and I am afraid that we are not going to have enough time to do the "finding" that we want to because of our schedules. But it will be nice to be approved, and I can be more patient when I am busy, so maybe it is a good thing that I will have so much to do. I had a dream last night that I met a potential birthmom and that she was due in Oct. In my dream I just met her, but I felt like she was going to pick us. I can't imagine having a baby that quickly, I know it was just a dream, but it still kind of freaked me out when I woke up. Although in my dream I just felt excited.

Photo collage complete (I hope)

2005-08-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I just got the photo collage sent off to Brother Watson. I discovered that Mike and I had a completely different view on how it should be done, but I think we finally worked it out and have a pretty good collage. We will wait to see if Brother Watson has any suggestions to make it better, but if he likes it, than we should be finished with everything. Oh, we still have to make a few minor changes to our birthparent letter but that should not take long. We are waiting on some feedback from the staff at the Georgia Agency before we make the changes. Everything is so close to being finished, it's all so exciting. Once we are approved we can actively start "finding". I am afraid with school starting that neither of us will have a lot of time to do that, but I am sure we will make time whenever we can, because it is so important to us to start this family. That is all for now.

The beginning of our adoption journey

2005-08-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

We are trying to grow our family through adoption. I decided to start this journal so that I can keep track of all that is happening as we go through the adoption process and also so that I can easily share it with others. I think it will mostly be me posting here, but hopefully Mike will have some time to post his thoughts and such once in a while. I truly feel that our journey has just began. We made the decision to adopt about 3 months ago, but now we are really close to being approved and I feel that when we are approved the real journey will begin. Mike and I are so very excited to adopt. We know that it is right for our family. I will try to keep this updated with all that happens throughout our adoption process. We have all our interviews finished and the paperwork done. We just need to finish our photo collage and then should be approved shortly after.