A week full of emotions
I think I will start at the beginning and post what basically took place from the time we heard the twins had been born. On monday morning we headed to Atlanta. We knew there was a good chance that we would not be able to see the twins that day because T had wanted to spend the day with them. We were fine with that, but wanted to make sure we were in Atlanta as soon as possible so we could see the twins as soon as we were able. On the way to Atlanta we made some phone calls and we're just so thrilled that we were going to meet our children that week.
We received a call from T's SW that afternoon saying that she was on her way to go visit T in the hospital and that T had expressed some doubts. Of course my heart skipped a beat, but then I thought to myself that it is probably very normal to doubt such a decision. After the phone call I told Mike and he said not to worry, we had no reason to believe she would change her mind. T's SW spent four hours at the hospital talking with her and trying to help her work through her grief. We later found out that T had lost a infant just last year and that was adding to her pain. Later that day the SW called us and told us she felt a lot better about the situation. She thought that T was just struggling emotionally, but that she would still go through with the adoption plan because she did not have a lot of options. I am not sure if I ever mentioned on the blog before but T has three other children she is raising. The SW continued to tell us that we should just be patient and she would let us know when we could see the babies. I asked her about sending flowers to the hospital for T, and at first she thought that might not be good until she talked with T again the next day to get a feel for how she was feeling. Later that night the SW called again and told us she had an idea. The following day was T's birthday, so she thought that it would be appropriate for us to send T flowers for her birthday, so we did.
After sending the flowers we tried to be patient and wait until T would allow us to see the babies. This whole time I really thought it was just a matter of time before she worked through her feelings and realized that placing the twins was really the best option still for them and for her. T's SW was suppose to talk with her that day and get back with us. Well later that day my MIL flew to Atlanta to be with us and to see the babies. After picking her up from the airport we went back to the hotel and waited. It really felt like forever. Later that afternoon we received a phone call from our SW who asked us how we were doing, and we told him that we were anxious and trying to be patient. He asked us to come down to the agency so that we could talk.
Mike and I were quite nervous at first thinking that he was going to give us bad news because he was asking us to come down. I was so nervous walking into the agency and waiting to see our SW. We only waited a few minutes for him but it seemed like forever. We talked with him and with T's SW who had come back from the hospital. Basically they did not tell us anything new, just that they felt they needed to get us out of the hotel room and gave us an update on T. Apparently T's SW had asked her about signing the paper and T had responded that she would sign them when she was ready. The SW did not bring them up again as it was her birthday and she was having visitors come through. Both SWs had told us that they were so confused by this situation, because T had never wavered from the adoption plan, she had always been so committed, so they were surprised by her actions now. This whole time I just kept thinking that at least she didn't say she wouldn't sign the papers and that I could wait until she was ready.
I did ask T's SW if she had taken some pictures (she had told us before that she was going to) and she responded she had, so I asked to see them. She was nervous to show them to us because she thought it would be harder if things didn't work out, but we really wanted to see them. We looked at them on her digital camera, so they were little pictures, but the babies are so adorable, and I continued to think that in the next day or so we would see them and hold them in our arms and they would be ours.
Because things had been taking longer than we had originally anticipated we decided we needed to find an extended stay hotel as it appeared our stay could end up being longer than two weeks. The next day, Wednesday, we knew we would just be waiting again, so we found an extended stay hotel and we went grocery shopping to have food on hand so we wouldn't have to keep eating out. After all that was finished we were in the hotel anxiously waiting. I remember hoping that when we got a call again they would tell us we could come see the babies. All I wanted to do was hold those babies in my arms. Our hotel was really close to the hospital and it was so strange to think that our babies were in the hospital but we couldn't go see them.
That afternoon the phone rang and it was Brother Watson, our SW. He told me that T felt like she couldn't go through with it and that he was so sorry. He said some other things, but after this point things started to become a blur. I do remember him saying that T had said her mother and her boyfriend were going to help her with the twins which surprised the SWs because they had never heard of a boyfriend before this and because T did not have a good relationship with her mother. But really that is all beside the point, as it is T's choice and she decided to parent. Brother Watson just kept telling me how sorry he was, and I could tell he was hurt by the whole thing too. I hung up the phone and I told Mike and Cindy (MIL) and then I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I don't know when I stopped. I remember Mikey asking his mom if she could give us a moment, and she went for a walk after giving us both a big hug. I know she was hurting too as the twins were suppose to be her first grandchildren and she came all the way to Atlanta to see them.
Mike and I cried together for the loss of those children. We had both thought our time to be parents had finally come and it was all taken away from us. We were both devastated and hurting and I am not sure how long we stayed there like that, but eventually Mike said "Let's go home." So we began to pack our things up and start back home.
I never really stopped crying the whole way home. I cried so hard that I made myself sick. I don't remember the whole drive, but I remember Mike having to pull over because I had to throw up and my head was pounding. I think we got home that night around 7:00 pm and I went straight to bed. I am glad Cindy was there because she helped Mike unpack the car and it allowed me to just go lay down. The next thing I remember was Mike coming in and he gave me a priesthood blessing.
The next day, I woke up and the realization of what had taken place the day before came back to me and I lost it again. Mike held me as I cried and I stayed in bed a long time. I had no appetite and couldn't eat. I felt like the pain would never go away. But fortunately as time passed things did get better, and things seemed more bearable. I know that many of the prayers that have been said in my behalf have helped me feel better and have allowed the pain to not be so strong.
This past week I have had so many emotions and thoughts. Everything had felt right about the adoption to both Mike and I. It had also felt right to the SWs and to all our family. I fell in love with those babies without ever having met them, and I know I will always think of them and wonder how they are doing. A part of me hopes that T may still change her mind, but I know I should not think that.
Both Mike and I have no bad feelings towards T. In fact we still very much care for her and think of her often. I know it must have been hard for her to think about going through the adoption and I know she will have many struggles raising twins with three other children. I only hope she can get help from family and friends as she goes through it. One thing that brings me comfort is I know that the twins will have love in their home and that T loves them very much.
Now the hard part is figuring out what to do with my life. I had anticipated being a mom of twins right now, and I rearranged my whole life for that. I dropped my classes at school and I went part time at work, none of which can be reversed. Also we have enough baby stuff in our home to accommodate twins that we will mostly like not have, even when we do finally become parents. I know that Mike and I will become parents still, and I still think adoption can be a wonderful experience, but there is always going to be this risk involved. I am afraid to be hurt again, and this makes me fear of how I might react when we find out another bm has chosen us. Will I guard my heart so tight that it will effect my relationship with the bm and the baby? This worries me, but there is nothing that I can do about it right now.
I am grateful for my testimony in the gospel and the knowledge that I have that I can trust in God and that He feels my pain, and no matter how much it hurts now, I know one day I will experience great joy when I do finally become a mother. I am grateful that I have my faith, because without it, going through this would have been so much harder. I am also so grateful for Mike. He has been much of my strength through this and has taken care of all the things that I just could not deal with right away. I am so blessed to have someone like him in my life.
We received a call from T's SW that afternoon saying that she was on her way to go visit T in the hospital and that T had expressed some doubts. Of course my heart skipped a beat, but then I thought to myself that it is probably very normal to doubt such a decision. After the phone call I told Mike and he said not to worry, we had no reason to believe she would change her mind. T's SW spent four hours at the hospital talking with her and trying to help her work through her grief. We later found out that T had lost a infant just last year and that was adding to her pain. Later that day the SW called us and told us she felt a lot better about the situation. She thought that T was just struggling emotionally, but that she would still go through with the adoption plan because she did not have a lot of options. I am not sure if I ever mentioned on the blog before but T has three other children she is raising. The SW continued to tell us that we should just be patient and she would let us know when we could see the babies. I asked her about sending flowers to the hospital for T, and at first she thought that might not be good until she talked with T again the next day to get a feel for how she was feeling. Later that night the SW called again and told us she had an idea. The following day was T's birthday, so she thought that it would be appropriate for us to send T flowers for her birthday, so we did.
After sending the flowers we tried to be patient and wait until T would allow us to see the babies. This whole time I really thought it was just a matter of time before she worked through her feelings and realized that placing the twins was really the best option still for them and for her. T's SW was suppose to talk with her that day and get back with us. Well later that day my MIL flew to Atlanta to be with us and to see the babies. After picking her up from the airport we went back to the hotel and waited. It really felt like forever. Later that afternoon we received a phone call from our SW who asked us how we were doing, and we told him that we were anxious and trying to be patient. He asked us to come down to the agency so that we could talk.
Mike and I were quite nervous at first thinking that he was going to give us bad news because he was asking us to come down. I was so nervous walking into the agency and waiting to see our SW. We only waited a few minutes for him but it seemed like forever. We talked with him and with T's SW who had come back from the hospital. Basically they did not tell us anything new, just that they felt they needed to get us out of the hotel room and gave us an update on T. Apparently T's SW had asked her about signing the paper and T had responded that she would sign them when she was ready. The SW did not bring them up again as it was her birthday and she was having visitors come through. Both SWs had told us that they were so confused by this situation, because T had never wavered from the adoption plan, she had always been so committed, so they were surprised by her actions now. This whole time I just kept thinking that at least she didn't say she wouldn't sign the papers and that I could wait until she was ready.
I did ask T's SW if she had taken some pictures (she had told us before that she was going to) and she responded she had, so I asked to see them. She was nervous to show them to us because she thought it would be harder if things didn't work out, but we really wanted to see them. We looked at them on her digital camera, so they were little pictures, but the babies are so adorable, and I continued to think that in the next day or so we would see them and hold them in our arms and they would be ours.
Because things had been taking longer than we had originally anticipated we decided we needed to find an extended stay hotel as it appeared our stay could end up being longer than two weeks. The next day, Wednesday, we knew we would just be waiting again, so we found an extended stay hotel and we went grocery shopping to have food on hand so we wouldn't have to keep eating out. After all that was finished we were in the hotel anxiously waiting. I remember hoping that when we got a call again they would tell us we could come see the babies. All I wanted to do was hold those babies in my arms. Our hotel was really close to the hospital and it was so strange to think that our babies were in the hospital but we couldn't go see them.
That afternoon the phone rang and it was Brother Watson, our SW. He told me that T felt like she couldn't go through with it and that he was so sorry. He said some other things, but after this point things started to become a blur. I do remember him saying that T had said her mother and her boyfriend were going to help her with the twins which surprised the SWs because they had never heard of a boyfriend before this and because T did not have a good relationship with her mother. But really that is all beside the point, as it is T's choice and she decided to parent. Brother Watson just kept telling me how sorry he was, and I could tell he was hurt by the whole thing too. I hung up the phone and I told Mike and Cindy (MIL) and then I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I don't know when I stopped. I remember Mikey asking his mom if she could give us a moment, and she went for a walk after giving us both a big hug. I know she was hurting too as the twins were suppose to be her first grandchildren and she came all the way to Atlanta to see them.
Mike and I cried together for the loss of those children. We had both thought our time to be parents had finally come and it was all taken away from us. We were both devastated and hurting and I am not sure how long we stayed there like that, but eventually Mike said "Let's go home." So we began to pack our things up and start back home.
I never really stopped crying the whole way home. I cried so hard that I made myself sick. I don't remember the whole drive, but I remember Mike having to pull over because I had to throw up and my head was pounding. I think we got home that night around 7:00 pm and I went straight to bed. I am glad Cindy was there because she helped Mike unpack the car and it allowed me to just go lay down. The next thing I remember was Mike coming in and he gave me a priesthood blessing.
The next day, I woke up and the realization of what had taken place the day before came back to me and I lost it again. Mike held me as I cried and I stayed in bed a long time. I had no appetite and couldn't eat. I felt like the pain would never go away. But fortunately as time passed things did get better, and things seemed more bearable. I know that many of the prayers that have been said in my behalf have helped me feel better and have allowed the pain to not be so strong.
This past week I have had so many emotions and thoughts. Everything had felt right about the adoption to both Mike and I. It had also felt right to the SWs and to all our family. I fell in love with those babies without ever having met them, and I know I will always think of them and wonder how they are doing. A part of me hopes that T may still change her mind, but I know I should not think that.
Both Mike and I have no bad feelings towards T. In fact we still very much care for her and think of her often. I know it must have been hard for her to think about going through the adoption and I know she will have many struggles raising twins with three other children. I only hope she can get help from family and friends as she goes through it. One thing that brings me comfort is I know that the twins will have love in their home and that T loves them very much.
Now the hard part is figuring out what to do with my life. I had anticipated being a mom of twins right now, and I rearranged my whole life for that. I dropped my classes at school and I went part time at work, none of which can be reversed. Also we have enough baby stuff in our home to accommodate twins that we will mostly like not have, even when we do finally become parents. I know that Mike and I will become parents still, and I still think adoption can be a wonderful experience, but there is always going to be this risk involved. I am afraid to be hurt again, and this makes me fear of how I might react when we find out another bm has chosen us. Will I guard my heart so tight that it will effect my relationship with the bm and the baby? This worries me, but there is nothing that I can do about it right now.
I am grateful for my testimony in the gospel and the knowledge that I have that I can trust in God and that He feels my pain, and no matter how much it hurts now, I know one day I will experience great joy when I do finally become a mother. I am grateful that I have my faith, because without it, going through this would have been so much harder. I am also so grateful for Mike. He has been much of my strength through this and has taken care of all the things that I just could not deal with right away. I am so blessed to have someone like him in my life.
posted by Lynda at
12:58 PM
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