Adoption Training

Saturday, Mike and I drove to Birmingham for an adoption training. It was good, even though I knew most of the stuff that was talked about. I was actually surprised how much some things hurt. There were two families there that had just recently been placed with children, and although I was very happy for them, I was sad to think that we should have two little ones with us at the meeting too. There was a couple sitting next to us that had a 3 month old AA boy, who was so adorable. I have a hard time not imagining what life should be like right now. I know I should stop thinking about it, but I just can't help it. The hardest part of the adoption training was when they started talking about when things go wrong. Of course not many people there knew about our recently failed adoption, but hearing about some other experiences were hard to listen too, mostly because they all had a happy ending to theirs. They had been blessed with a baby, so it was easier for them to talk about the hard times, because they were happy now, but I am not able to feel that. I know it should have brought me hope, but instead it hurt. I found myself trying so hard not to break down and let the sorrow overtake me. It was difficult but I managed to hold back. I was glad nothing was said about our particular situation, because if it had been I would not have been able to handle it. My life should be so different right now as I should be learning to handle life with twins, but it isn't and that makes me so sad.

I am having a hard time recently with what I should be doing. The semester is almost over and I have decided to go to school during the summer, but I am so afraid that something will happen and I will have to change everything again. I know I should not live my life as if something will happen, because then I will regret putting things off if nothing does happen, but I lost a whole semester of school because of what took place. We didn't loose any money because of the scholarships and financial aid that I had, but I no longer have that (at least not the scholarships), and so we will be out some money if it happens again. Of course part of me thinks so what, having a baby in our life is more important, but what if things go wrong again. Sometimes I think I should have never dropped my classes when we were matched with the twins. As it worked out we were in Atlanta the week of spring break, and so I would have been able to make it too all my classes, as hard it may have been at the time, I could have still been in school, if I knew this was going to happen. But of course I had no way of knowing it was going to happen, it is just hard to not think that I wasted this time. Now I am afraid, I don't know what to do.

Mike is graduating in August with his MA and it looks like we will be staying here for his PhD. This means that we get to buy a house and I am excited for that. We have never bought a house and I am a little nervous about it, because I feel like we don't know what we are doing and it's a big purchase. I do know it is better that we buy a house instead of throwing our money away in rent. Hopefully we can find something that we love, but is in our price range. Housing is not that expensive here, so I am hopeful for what we can find.