Breath

I have been reminding myself to do that a lot today. I should be extremely excited right now, but I keep having to tell myself to breath in and out. Today when I got back to work from my class there was a message on my phone from Hannah. She is a SW at LDS FS but not our SW, although she was the one that we dealt with quite a bit with the other situation, because she was T's SW. Anyway, of course I wanted to call her back right away, but I cannot call long distance from work, and I had left the calling card at home. I was going crazy trying to figure out how to call her when she called back. She must have been really in tune to me, because she called me back because she thought maybe I would not be able to call her from work since it was long distance. She proceeded to tell me that we had been selected by a BM.

I knew she was going to say that, but I was still not prepared for it. All I could think of was, I can't go through this again. I just had the hardest time letting it really sink in. This was my biggest fear after the failed adoption, that it would effect me so much that I would not let myself get excited for the next opportunity that came our way. I really thought that I was prepared to here that we had been chosen again, but I don't think I was.

I am excited and extremely happy of course, but there is a lot of fear inside of me too. I don't know if that fear will ever leave me until I am officially a mother. Mike is out of town until tmw, so I have only been able to talk to him on the phone. I wish he was here right now so that we could really talk about this and lean on each other. I feel like if I can get through this weekend, or even just get through this time before Mike gets back home, I will feel better about things. I hope.

We are expecting a baby girl. The BM (B) is AA and the BF is Puerto Rican. She is due on August 11th, but it is looking like she may come early. Hannah called us, because Matt (our SW) is out of town, and she wanted to give us a heads up in case she did go early. B has three other children, all boys. She is not financially able to care for her family and that is why she has chosen adoption. She does not know where the BF is right now. Hannah feels she is committed to the adoption, and that she does not have any other option. I wish that were true, but as past experience has shown me, there is always another option.

So many things about this situation are so similar to the past one, and I think that is making it so much harder for me to be hopeful that it will work. As I drove home from work today, I noticed how beautiful and sunny the day was. Completely opposite of the pouring rain that happened on that day that we found out we were expecting the twins. For whatever reason that gave me hope. I hope to be able to tell my little girl about how beautiful today is, when I found out I was going to be her mom.

I do not know yet if this is going to be an open or closed adoption. Hannah thinks that B will want to meet us and possibly her mom too, but they have not yet discussed that. A story that Hannah told me was when she was talking with B, B asked her if she would have a say in the naming of the baby. Hannah told her that she could name the baby and it would be on the birth certificate but that it might be changed later. B then said, if I could name the baby, I would call her Lucky, because she is so lucky that she is going to have a mom and a dad. I hope that she really wants that for her baby and that she remembers that after the baby is born. Things can happen so fast now, but I have a feeling they will feel like they might last forever.