Update

Okay, so I have talked with Hannah and with Matt about everything and I am feeling better, but still unsure how things will play out. The day after our face to face, I was feeling really emotional and scared. I decided to call Matt since he is my SW and talk to him about what I was feeling. I think I bombarded him with everything as he had just got back into town (poor guy). He told me that he thinks that the ride home from Atlanta surfaced a lot of my memories from the failed placement with the twins and he thinks that all my emotions were completely normal for what I went through and am going through. But he also told me he felt really good about this situation, and he then conferenced Hannah into the call so she could give me an update on B.

Hannah said that the day after the face to face, B called her to ask her what we thought. Hannah said this is already a really good thing, because B has to go out of her way to call Hannah as she does not have a phone. Anyway Hannah and B talked for about 40 minutes. B said she did feel awkward and that she just didn't know how to relate to us. She told Hannah that we were just so different then people she is used to talking with. B really grilled us with questions at the face to face, and we didn't really ask her a lot of questions. This was partly because we are generally shy but also because we felt uncomfortable at times. So B asked Hannah why we didn't ask her very many questions and Hannah explained to her that we were probably afraid to say the wrong thing. Hannah told me that she thought B was finally realizing what it may have felt to be us. She didn't think that B had even thought of that. B was only focusing on what she was feeling and didn't think of what we might be feeling. B seemed to realize more that it was probably difficult for us too.

A few things that she told Hannah that she really liked about us was that Mike is a teacher. She really liked that, because it means her daughter will be smart (her words). She also really liked the name that we had picked out. We told her we might name her Marie, even though we were unsure of that ourselves, but it is the only name we have right now. She and her boyfriend really liked that name. She was really impressed that we already had a carseat. Hannah then said that B talked about all the things that her daughter would have that she didn't have and how much that meant to her. Hannah told me she was forward thinking about everything. Hannah also pointed out to B that her daughter was going to be a leader for her race, just because she will have the opportunities and B really liked the thought of that.

Now looking back, I can remember the positive things from the face to face, such as B and I have a few things in common, like we both hate wearing lipstick, we both enjoy playing video games, we both like to go fishing, we both bite our nails. Also she talked a lot about how much she loved her daughter and wanted more for her daughter. She told me, "Just tell her that I loved her so much that I wanted to give her more and this is the only way I can do that." I could also tell the whole time that she was very set on the adoption, she knew that adoption was the best choice.

Hannah also told us that B said her mom was sorry that she missed us on Sunday and really wants to meet us. Hannah was hoping that we could arrange another face to face. Mike and I are open to this but we are unsure about the idea of taking the long drive to Atlanta again before the baby comes (I was surprised how emotionally draining that was for me). I really do want to meet her mom. I wish they were closer to us, because I think that B would be open to me coming by every once in a while and getting to know her better. She had made a comment how I should have been a part of the pg sooner so the baby would recognize my voice, which I thought was so sweet for her to think of, but would be too hard because of the distance.

So although Mike and I are still hopeful that this will happen, we still are feeling cautious, partly because of what we experienced before, and also because when Hannah asked B what she thought of us, she never said that she was comfortable with us, or that she knew we were the right family, she only said that she trusts Hannah and if she tells her we are good people, then she is okay with that.