Adoption Journey on hold

Well it looks as if our adoption journey will be on hold for a little while. I do not want to say that it is over because I still feel that one day we may still adopt. We are putting our journey on hold now because I am pg. It still feels weird to say it. After trying for almost 5 years, it seems so weird for it to just happen like it did. But I am so grateful that is has. I needed a break from adoption anyway, and I would probably not have let myself take that break as my desire to be a mom is so strong. Now I have to take a break and that is okay. I can wait until March for a baby to come to us. And I am excited to experience all the things about pg that I thought I would miss out on. I will be closing this blog for a time, but may revisit it later when our adoption journey starts up again. If you would like to follow our current journey, come check out my pg journal at http://lyndapregnancy.blogspot.com/.

No more hope

I haven't updated for a while, but basically Mike and I have no more hope for this situation to happen. To make a long story short, B has stopped all contact with the agency and with us, and no one is able to reach her. It appears she is trying to disappear, at least from us.

It hurts that we lost yet another baby. It doesn't seem fair that we had to go through this again, but I know that we can get through it, as we have done so before. We prayer for B and T and those three little babies everyday. No matter how big our family grows one day, I know that Mike and I will always feel that we are missing three little ones.

Friday we met Lucky

Yes, that is what B named her, Lucky Star. She was born on Aug. 3rd, 6lb 4oz and 20.5 inches long. She is so beautiful and precious. The only way I can tell exactly what happened is to start from the very beginning.

On August 2nd I called B to see how she was doing. We had a good chat and she told me that she had a dr. appt the next day. So I told her I would call her the next day to see how her dr. appt went. The next day came and we got a call from Matt saying that B had the baby. We later found out that she woke up about 5:00 in the morning with labor pains, and the baby came about an hour and half later. It was so quick they couldn't give her anything for the pain so she told us this labor was the worst one. After we heard that the baby was born we were planning on heading to Atlanta on Sunday after she had signed the papers, but B wanted to talk to me so I talked to her and she told me that she couldn't understand why we weren't there now. She thought we wanted to be there as soon as the baby came. I explained to her that we did, but that there were things that needed to get taken care of first. She told me that all she wanted was to be able to place the baby in my arms and look me in the eye and know that she was doing the right thing. I told her we would get there as soon as possible.

Even though we knew we were taking a big risk to come out before she had signed the papers, we decided to go ahead and get out there as soon as we could. We took care of a few things that needed to get taken care of and drove to Atlanta very early on Friday morning. We arrived in Atlanta about 9:00 in the morning and we went straight to the hospital to meet B and the baby. When we saw that sweet precious girl both Mike and I got really emotional. B told us to pick her up. Mike held her first and was trying so hard to not cry. It was very touching. He then handed the baby to me and gave B a hug. We could both tell that B was very happy we were there.

Then before we really could start talking with B, B's mom came in. She could tell that we had been crying and she told us to hold in our emotions because it was hard for her to see and hard for B. She then went on to tell us that she did not approve of the adoption, and she began to voice to us all of her concerns. The SW tried to step in a little bit, but B's mom would have none of that and really got upset with her. After listening to B's mom for awhile, Mike asked if it would be okay if we just talked with B. Her mom would have none of that, so we asked the SW to step out and we talked with B and her mom alone. B's mom was most concerned about the fact that she was losing a granddaughter and that she would not be a part of her life. She wanted us to send pictures and letters and she also wanted to be able to call whenever she wanted. She also asked if we would allow her to come visit maybe once a year. This was all thrown at us, but after discussing things with her, we told her that we would be comfortable with most of what she was asking. She also does not like the agency so she wanted to deal directly with us. We told her that we were okay with that too, and told her after the adoption was finalized we would deal directly with her. So her attitude seem to change after that and everyone seemed okay with everything. At first she didn't even want to hold the baby because she said it would be too hard, but after talking with her she was okay to hold the baby again. Everything seemed to be going really well.

We spent the rest of the morning taking pictures and visiting. So many wonderful things took place. B's mom was laughing with us and teasing us. She told me that she wanted a picture of Mike changing a diaper, because she didn't believe he would do it. Well Lucky's diaper needed to be changed while we were there and she wanted Mike to do it, so he did. It was a messy diaper and Lucky kept sticking her foot in it. Poor Mike tried so hard, but he did a good job and everyone agreed. That morning also we met B's brother and his fiance. B said on a number of occasions that she knew we were supposed to be the parents of her daughter. Around lunch time we could tell that B needed some time alone. She was getting really quiet, so we decided to leave and go get lunch. Right before we left Lucky started to fuss a little and I picked her up and calmed her and laid her back down. Everything just felt so good.

When we got back to the hospital things had changed. We found out that a hospital SW had come in to talk with B about her decision. She told B that she should not make such a big decision until 5 days had passed. This was really hard for us to hear, especially because we thought that everything was going so well. I started getting really emotional. When B talked to us about it, she just asked for some more time. We told her that this was bringing up a lot of emotion from our previous situation that hurt us so much. We asked her to make a decision soon. Her mom jumped in and said that they were only asking for five days. Her seemed to be unsupportive again. There was a brief moment before we left that B's mom left the room. B told us that she knew what she wanted and that was to place her daughter with us, but that everyone was telling her different things and that she was getting really frustrated. We told B that we cared for her and that no matter what happened that wouldn't change. I then walked over to Lucky and said goodbye, she was soundly sleeping in the bassinet. We left.

We decided to stay over night. B was supposed to be discharged the next day and we were hoping that maybe she would decide to place Lucky with us before she was discharged. The next morning came and we didn't hear anything, so we decided to start heading home. We found out later that B was discharged with the baby and that they went to her mom's house. We have been trying to get a hold of B since we have been home, but have not been able to reach her. She has called the SW since she left and told her that she still plans to place the baby, but that no one is allowing her to make the choice.

The agency has decided to lay low until Wednesday and see what happens. I still have a lot of hope that this will work out. I do believe that B wants to place Lucky with us, I just hope she can stand up against those that would have her change her mind. I am going to try to continue to try to contact her, just to see how she is doing.

Moving

I hate moving. This weekend has been so tiring. Thank goodness we have some wonderful friends who helped us get everything done. Our house is sort of a disaster area at the moment, because everything is everywhere, but at least everything is out of the apt and the apt is clean. The unpacking will have to come slowly and that is fine.

I have not had a chance to call B because I have been so busy with the move. Our phone is also not hooked up at the house yet and we have no internet yet, which is driving both Mike and I crazy. I did find out from Matt that at B's appt on Thursday the dr. told her she was not ready to be induced. So we are still in the waiting game. It has turned out okay though, since Mike and I have been so stressed over this move. We also found out that we need new medicals and background checks, so we need to hurry and try to get those done before that baby is born. I do hope that baby comes this week though, and that we can get the paperwork that we need done quickly. I don't want to wait much longer. I just want to know how this will all turn out.

Talked with B

Yesterday I talked with B. I still do not know how things are going to work out. I want so much for this to work, but B is not happy with a lot of things right now. I think mostly it is just the fact that she is very pg and very uncomfortable. She has been upset with Hannah, but I don't think it is anything that Hannah has done. After talking with B last night, I realized that she does not know a lot about adoption. She does not know that things have to be done a certain way for things to happen legally. When I tried to explain that to her, I could tell she was frustrated. I think she doesn't understand, so it makes her upset. I do feel like she is still set on going through with the adoption. She just is having a hard time right now and is acting out towards the agency. She said that she feels comfortable with us and that she thinks we will be good parents. She also told me that she feels I have been honest with her.

I really hope the baby is born soon, then all this uncertainty can be put to rest. I did not ask her about her being induced on Thursday because I felt it was better to let her just vent her frustrations at me, I just tried to listen mostly. I could tell that she had been crying when I called her. I think things are just really rough for her right now. I think I may try to call her again soon.

ups and downs

This has just been one rollercoaster ride after another. Still not sure how this will play out and going crazy trying to figure it out. First I heard from Matt on Friday. He told us that B had a dr. appt. and they told her that she could be induced on Thursday. He than told me that B had called to talk to Hannah a few times just to see how I was doing. I was happy to hear that. B also told Hannah that she wanted to talk to me again on the phone. No mention was made if we would be able to meet her mom or not. Matt also told us that if the baby was born on Thursday, then they could have her sign MS papers on Sunday. If B signed MS papers instead of GA papers, she would not be able to change her mind afterwards. We are in the process of moving in to a new home and have been trying to get everything finished before the baby comes. We figured this will give us the whole week and then hopefully we could head to Atlanta on Sunday to meet our daughter. I was feeling so good all weekend. It just felt like everything was falling into place.

Today we found out a whole new story. Mike talked to Matt this morning, and all of a sudden B's attitude has changed about everything. She seems to not be happy with the help that LDS FS has given her and seems to be upset with Hannah. She now won't even tell Hannah for sure if she is going to be induced on Thursday or not. So now, we are back to not knowing what will happen. Maybe she is just having second thoughts and this is the way she is expressing it. I am not sure. I hope I get to talk to her again. But I guess we will just have to see how this plays out and try to remain hopeful.

I was just saying to a friend this weekend how my fear has just left me and I was feeling so good about things. Now I'm right back to feeling that fear and hoping and praying that this little girl is in our arms soon.

Update

Okay, so I have talked with Hannah and with Matt about everything and I am feeling better, but still unsure how things will play out. The day after our face to face, I was feeling really emotional and scared. I decided to call Matt since he is my SW and talk to him about what I was feeling. I think I bombarded him with everything as he had just got back into town (poor guy). He told me that he thinks that the ride home from Atlanta surfaced a lot of my memories from the failed placement with the twins and he thinks that all my emotions were completely normal for what I went through and am going through. But he also told me he felt really good about this situation, and he then conferenced Hannah into the call so she could give me an update on B.

Hannah said that the day after the face to face, B called her to ask her what we thought. Hannah said this is already a really good thing, because B has to go out of her way to call Hannah as she does not have a phone. Anyway Hannah and B talked for about 40 minutes. B said she did feel awkward and that she just didn't know how to relate to us. She told Hannah that we were just so different then people she is used to talking with. B really grilled us with questions at the face to face, and we didn't really ask her a lot of questions. This was partly because we are generally shy but also because we felt uncomfortable at times. So B asked Hannah why we didn't ask her very many questions and Hannah explained to her that we were probably afraid to say the wrong thing. Hannah told me that she thought B was finally realizing what it may have felt to be us. She didn't think that B had even thought of that. B was only focusing on what she was feeling and didn't think of what we might be feeling. B seemed to realize more that it was probably difficult for us too.

A few things that she told Hannah that she really liked about us was that Mike is a teacher. She really liked that, because it means her daughter will be smart (her words). She also really liked the name that we had picked out. We told her we might name her Marie, even though we were unsure of that ourselves, but it is the only name we have right now. She and her boyfriend really liked that name. She was really impressed that we already had a carseat. Hannah then said that B talked about all the things that her daughter would have that she didn't have and how much that meant to her. Hannah told me she was forward thinking about everything. Hannah also pointed out to B that her daughter was going to be a leader for her race, just because she will have the opportunities and B really liked the thought of that.

Now looking back, I can remember the positive things from the face to face, such as B and I have a few things in common, like we both hate wearing lipstick, we both enjoy playing video games, we both like to go fishing, we both bite our nails. Also she talked a lot about how much she loved her daughter and wanted more for her daughter. She told me, "Just tell her that I loved her so much that I wanted to give her more and this is the only way I can do that." I could also tell the whole time that she was very set on the adoption, she knew that adoption was the best choice.

Hannah also told us that B said her mom was sorry that she missed us on Sunday and really wants to meet us. Hannah was hoping that we could arrange another face to face. Mike and I are open to this but we are unsure about the idea of taking the long drive to Atlanta again before the baby comes (I was surprised how emotionally draining that was for me). I really do want to meet her mom. I wish they were closer to us, because I think that B would be open to me coming by every once in a while and getting to know her better. She had made a comment how I should have been a part of the pg sooner so the baby would recognize my voice, which I thought was so sweet for her to think of, but would be too hard because of the distance.

So although Mike and I are still hopeful that this will happen, we still are feeling cautious, partly because of what we experienced before, and also because when Hannah asked B what she thought of us, she never said that she was comfortable with us, or that she knew we were the right family, she only said that she trusts Hannah and if she tells her we are good people, then she is okay with that.