Adoption Training

Saturday, Mike and I drove to Birmingham for an adoption training. It was good, even though I knew most of the stuff that was talked about. I was actually surprised how much some things hurt. There were two families there that had just recently been placed with children, and although I was very happy for them, I was sad to think that we should have two little ones with us at the meeting too. There was a couple sitting next to us that had a 3 month old AA boy, who was so adorable. I have a hard time not imagining what life should be like right now. I know I should stop thinking about it, but I just can't help it. The hardest part of the adoption training was when they started talking about when things go wrong. Of course not many people there knew about our recently failed adoption, but hearing about some other experiences were hard to listen too, mostly because they all had a happy ending to theirs. They had been blessed with a baby, so it was easier for them to talk about the hard times, because they were happy now, but I am not able to feel that. I know it should have brought me hope, but instead it hurt. I found myself trying so hard not to break down and let the sorrow overtake me. It was difficult but I managed to hold back. I was glad nothing was said about our particular situation, because if it had been I would not have been able to handle it. My life should be so different right now as I should be learning to handle life with twins, but it isn't and that makes me so sad.

I am having a hard time recently with what I should be doing. The semester is almost over and I have decided to go to school during the summer, but I am so afraid that something will happen and I will have to change everything again. I know I should not live my life as if something will happen, because then I will regret putting things off if nothing does happen, but I lost a whole semester of school because of what took place. We didn't loose any money because of the scholarships and financial aid that I had, but I no longer have that (at least not the scholarships), and so we will be out some money if it happens again. Of course part of me thinks so what, having a baby in our life is more important, but what if things go wrong again. Sometimes I think I should have never dropped my classes when we were matched with the twins. As it worked out we were in Atlanta the week of spring break, and so I would have been able to make it too all my classes, as hard it may have been at the time, I could have still been in school, if I knew this was going to happen. But of course I had no way of knowing it was going to happen, it is just hard to not think that I wasted this time. Now I am afraid, I don't know what to do.

Mike is graduating in August with his MA and it looks like we will be staying here for his PhD. This means that we get to buy a house and I am excited for that. We have never bought a house and I am a little nervous about it, because I feel like we don't know what we are doing and it's a big purchase. I do know it is better that we buy a house instead of throwing our money away in rent. Hopefully we can find something that we love, but is in our price range. Housing is not that expensive here, so I am hopeful for what we can find.

Meeting with SW

Last Tuesday we met with Brother Watson. He wanted to talk with us and see how we were doing. We talked for quite a while with him about the things we were going through. I can tell that he is hurting for us. We asked how many failed adoptions they have, and he said this was the first one they have had since he has been at the Georgia agency. That surprised me and hurt a little too, not sure why. I am sure they have had other failed adoptions before, but not since he has been there, which I think is about 2 or 3 years. They have had potential birthmothers change their minds before the baby was born, but this was the first one he had where the birthmother changed her mind after the baby was born. Brother Watson told us that many of the staff there are thinking of us and praying for us. I think we have people all over the country thinking and praying for us, probably some that we do not even know. I know that it is through all the prayers that have been said in our behalf that we have been able to get through this. I have blessed with added strength because of everyone's prayers, Mike too.

The thing that is the hardest part right now for me, is not knowing how T is doing and how the twins are doing. We asked Brother Watson, if he knew how she was doing. He could not tell us much, because he did not have many details, but told us that she still calls Hannah (her SW). I am glad she still keeps in contact with Hannah, because she needs all the support she can get. I hope that she is getting support from her family and her friends. I can only imagine what her life is like right now. I am worried about her and the twins.

My life is pretty boring right now. I have so much time on my hand it is driving me crazy. I hurt a lot when I think of how busy my life should be. It is almost as if I can imagine every minute of my day as it would have been if the twins were ours.

Today at work, Stacy, the gal in my office that adopted a baby boy in February, came in and brought her baby. I could tell that she was worried about bringing the baby in, afraid that it would cause me pain. At first it did, I felt very sad as soon as I heard her voice in the other room. She did not come see me at first, but gave her baby to someone else to hold while she did her evaluation (the reason she came into the office). The other gal brought little Daniel to me and asked me if I would like to hold him. Of course I did, and as held that little boy in my arms all my pain went away, and I was happy. I knew he wasn't mine, but it just felt so good to hold a little baby in my arms. When Stacy came looking for him and found that I had him, she was relieved that I was so happy to hold him. She told me that she had me on her mind recently and she hoped I was doing okay. I told her I was and that being around babies was my best medicine. She invited me to come over to her house at any time to hold and see little Daniel. I may just have to do that.

Another happy moment. I was at Wal-Mart yesterday and I was standing in line at the checkout. There was a AA family in front of me that had a little boy in the cart. He was so adorable and had to be just old enough to sit up. He had the cutest little 'fro on top of his head and a pacifier in his mouth. I smiled at him, and his whole face lit up with a big grin. I almost cried right there, it was so precious. After he smiled at me, his older brother got in his view and he tried and tried to look around him to see me. So cute.