Moving

I hate moving. This weekend has been so tiring. Thank goodness we have some wonderful friends who helped us get everything done. Our house is sort of a disaster area at the moment, because everything is everywhere, but at least everything is out of the apt and the apt is clean. The unpacking will have to come slowly and that is fine.

I have not had a chance to call B because I have been so busy with the move. Our phone is also not hooked up at the house yet and we have no internet yet, which is driving both Mike and I crazy. I did find out from Matt that at B's appt on Thursday the dr. told her she was not ready to be induced. So we are still in the waiting game. It has turned out okay though, since Mike and I have been so stressed over this move. We also found out that we need new medicals and background checks, so we need to hurry and try to get those done before that baby is born. I do hope that baby comes this week though, and that we can get the paperwork that we need done quickly. I don't want to wait much longer. I just want to know how this will all turn out.

Talked with B

Yesterday I talked with B. I still do not know how things are going to work out. I want so much for this to work, but B is not happy with a lot of things right now. I think mostly it is just the fact that she is very pg and very uncomfortable. She has been upset with Hannah, but I don't think it is anything that Hannah has done. After talking with B last night, I realized that she does not know a lot about adoption. She does not know that things have to be done a certain way for things to happen legally. When I tried to explain that to her, I could tell she was frustrated. I think she doesn't understand, so it makes her upset. I do feel like she is still set on going through with the adoption. She just is having a hard time right now and is acting out towards the agency. She said that she feels comfortable with us and that she thinks we will be good parents. She also told me that she feels I have been honest with her.

I really hope the baby is born soon, then all this uncertainty can be put to rest. I did not ask her about her being induced on Thursday because I felt it was better to let her just vent her frustrations at me, I just tried to listen mostly. I could tell that she had been crying when I called her. I think things are just really rough for her right now. I think I may try to call her again soon.

ups and downs

This has just been one rollercoaster ride after another. Still not sure how this will play out and going crazy trying to figure it out. First I heard from Matt on Friday. He told us that B had a dr. appt. and they told her that she could be induced on Thursday. He than told me that B had called to talk to Hannah a few times just to see how I was doing. I was happy to hear that. B also told Hannah that she wanted to talk to me again on the phone. No mention was made if we would be able to meet her mom or not. Matt also told us that if the baby was born on Thursday, then they could have her sign MS papers on Sunday. If B signed MS papers instead of GA papers, she would not be able to change her mind afterwards. We are in the process of moving in to a new home and have been trying to get everything finished before the baby comes. We figured this will give us the whole week and then hopefully we could head to Atlanta on Sunday to meet our daughter. I was feeling so good all weekend. It just felt like everything was falling into place.

Today we found out a whole new story. Mike talked to Matt this morning, and all of a sudden B's attitude has changed about everything. She seems to not be happy with the help that LDS FS has given her and seems to be upset with Hannah. She now won't even tell Hannah for sure if she is going to be induced on Thursday or not. So now, we are back to not knowing what will happen. Maybe she is just having second thoughts and this is the way she is expressing it. I am not sure. I hope I get to talk to her again. But I guess we will just have to see how this plays out and try to remain hopeful.

I was just saying to a friend this weekend how my fear has just left me and I was feeling so good about things. Now I'm right back to feeling that fear and hoping and praying that this little girl is in our arms soon.

Update

Okay, so I have talked with Hannah and with Matt about everything and I am feeling better, but still unsure how things will play out. The day after our face to face, I was feeling really emotional and scared. I decided to call Matt since he is my SW and talk to him about what I was feeling. I think I bombarded him with everything as he had just got back into town (poor guy). He told me that he thinks that the ride home from Atlanta surfaced a lot of my memories from the failed placement with the twins and he thinks that all my emotions were completely normal for what I went through and am going through. But he also told me he felt really good about this situation, and he then conferenced Hannah into the call so she could give me an update on B.

Hannah said that the day after the face to face, B called her to ask her what we thought. Hannah said this is already a really good thing, because B has to go out of her way to call Hannah as she does not have a phone. Anyway Hannah and B talked for about 40 minutes. B said she did feel awkward and that she just didn't know how to relate to us. She told Hannah that we were just so different then people she is used to talking with. B really grilled us with questions at the face to face, and we didn't really ask her a lot of questions. This was partly because we are generally shy but also because we felt uncomfortable at times. So B asked Hannah why we didn't ask her very many questions and Hannah explained to her that we were probably afraid to say the wrong thing. Hannah told me that she thought B was finally realizing what it may have felt to be us. She didn't think that B had even thought of that. B was only focusing on what she was feeling and didn't think of what we might be feeling. B seemed to realize more that it was probably difficult for us too.

A few things that she told Hannah that she really liked about us was that Mike is a teacher. She really liked that, because it means her daughter will be smart (her words). She also really liked the name that we had picked out. We told her we might name her Marie, even though we were unsure of that ourselves, but it is the only name we have right now. She and her boyfriend really liked that name. She was really impressed that we already had a carseat. Hannah then said that B talked about all the things that her daughter would have that she didn't have and how much that meant to her. Hannah told me she was forward thinking about everything. Hannah also pointed out to B that her daughter was going to be a leader for her race, just because she will have the opportunities and B really liked the thought of that.

Now looking back, I can remember the positive things from the face to face, such as B and I have a few things in common, like we both hate wearing lipstick, we both enjoy playing video games, we both like to go fishing, we both bite our nails. Also she talked a lot about how much she loved her daughter and wanted more for her daughter. She told me, "Just tell her that I loved her so much that I wanted to give her more and this is the only way I can do that." I could also tell the whole time that she was very set on the adoption, she knew that adoption was the best choice.

Hannah also told us that B said her mom was sorry that she missed us on Sunday and really wants to meet us. Hannah was hoping that we could arrange another face to face. Mike and I are open to this but we are unsure about the idea of taking the long drive to Atlanta again before the baby comes (I was surprised how emotionally draining that was for me). I really do want to meet her mom. I wish they were closer to us, because I think that B would be open to me coming by every once in a while and getting to know her better. She had made a comment how I should have been a part of the pg sooner so the baby would recognize my voice, which I thought was so sweet for her to think of, but would be too hard because of the distance.

So although Mike and I are still hopeful that this will happen, we still are feeling cautious, partly because of what we experienced before, and also because when Hannah asked B what she thought of us, she never said that she was comfortable with us, or that she knew we were the right family, she only said that she trusts Hannah and if she tells her we are good people, then she is okay with that.

Face-to-Face

Yesterday was our face-to-face, and I wish I could say that it was just wonderful and that everything feels so good, but I can't. It was confusing, sometimes I felt everything was going good and other times I felt like things were not going to well. It was really hard to get a feel for what B was thinking. I left feeling really confused. I don't know how B feels about us at this point. I hope she still feels okay about us, but I just don't know anymore. If she is uncomfortable with us, I would rather we found out know than later. We should find out more when Hannah gets a chance to talk with her this week and she is going to ask her straight out about how she feels.

So basically this is how the day went. First we got up and left home around 7:30 in the morning. After a long drive we met Hannah at the office about 1:30pm. We then drove with Hannah to B's apt. Hannah told us this was a first, that she had never done a face-to-face at the bmom's home. LDS FS got her into a nice apt, and you would never know that she was struggling so much financially when you walk into the apt. Everything was really good at first, besides feeling a little awkward. We met her boyfriend, but he is not the father of the baby. Although many times he acted like he was. He is the father of the boys. We talked for a while. Her youngest boy was taking a nap and the other two were outside playing. They eventually came in and we met them. One of them hugged us right away when he came in, which was so cute. They were both really interested in the stuff we had. We had brought some photo albums and B looked through them. She also showed us an album she had. This whole time we were just talking about many different things and sometimes it felt good and positive and other times it felt awkward and weird. It was really hard to tell what she was thinking a lot of the time. She was open to us about a lot of stuff, but it felt like she really didn't trust us very much. We eventually pulled out the gifts we brought and all the boys loved that. All the boys loved what we brought, and B was happy with what we had brought for her too. Her mom was supposed to be there, but did not show, so we left what we brought for her mom with B. We stayed for about 2 hours and then we left.

Afterwards we talked with Hannah about how we felt, and how are biggest concern was that we did not think she really liked us. Hannah told us that she would talk with her about us, and ask her how she felt and let us know afterwards. It is hard to know how to feel right now. I was so hoping for a better experience. Hopefully I will know more when Hannah calls.

We get to meet B

We are scheduled for a face-to-face to meet B on Sunday. I am so excited about this, but am a little nervous too. I really hope she likes us and that she feels good about the adoption after meeting us. I think this is a really good thing that she is willing to meet us. She is also being very open as she wants us to come to her home. The more I talk to Hannah about everything the more I feel good about this situation. I really feel like this is going to happen. I know B can always change her mind, and I am still going to try to be prepared for that, but I am more and more hopeful about this everyday.

Yesterday Mike and I went shopping to find something to give B and her family. We got her some practical things like towels and pans, because she needs those things, but also bought her some pampering stuff, like lotion and bath wash. I really hope she likes it. The stuff I picked out smelled so good to me when I smelled it but now I am wondering if it is too strong. I know that you are more sensitive to smells when you are pg, so I hope she does not think the smell is too strong. We also picked up a picture frame for her mom. We are not sure if she is going to be there, but want to have something for her if she is. We also picked up some things for B's boys. We got some toy cars for all of them, some coloring books and crayons for the older two boys, they are 6 and 4 years old and a preschool age puzzle for the younger boy, he is 1. I am excited that we get to meet them too. I hope they warm up to us fast, because Mike and I are more relaxed with kids around.

Sunday is going to be a long day, but I think it will be a very good day. I am so excited to meet B and her family. I hope everything goes well.

Breath

I have been reminding myself to do that a lot today. I should be extremely excited right now, but I keep having to tell myself to breath in and out. Today when I got back to work from my class there was a message on my phone from Hannah. She is a SW at LDS FS but not our SW, although she was the one that we dealt with quite a bit with the other situation, because she was T's SW. Anyway, of course I wanted to call her back right away, but I cannot call long distance from work, and I had left the calling card at home. I was going crazy trying to figure out how to call her when she called back. She must have been really in tune to me, because she called me back because she thought maybe I would not be able to call her from work since it was long distance. She proceeded to tell me that we had been selected by a BM.

I knew she was going to say that, but I was still not prepared for it. All I could think of was, I can't go through this again. I just had the hardest time letting it really sink in. This was my biggest fear after the failed adoption, that it would effect me so much that I would not let myself get excited for the next opportunity that came our way. I really thought that I was prepared to here that we had been chosen again, but I don't think I was.

I am excited and extremely happy of course, but there is a lot of fear inside of me too. I don't know if that fear will ever leave me until I am officially a mother. Mike is out of town until tmw, so I have only been able to talk to him on the phone. I wish he was here right now so that we could really talk about this and lean on each other. I feel like if I can get through this weekend, or even just get through this time before Mike gets back home, I will feel better about things. I hope.

We are expecting a baby girl. The BM (B) is AA and the BF is Puerto Rican. She is due on August 11th, but it is looking like she may come early. Hannah called us, because Matt (our SW) is out of town, and she wanted to give us a heads up in case she did go early. B has three other children, all boys. She is not financially able to care for her family and that is why she has chosen adoption. She does not know where the BF is right now. Hannah feels she is committed to the adoption, and that she does not have any other option. I wish that were true, but as past experience has shown me, there is always another option.

So many things about this situation are so similar to the past one, and I think that is making it so much harder for me to be hopeful that it will work. As I drove home from work today, I noticed how beautiful and sunny the day was. Completely opposite of the pouring rain that happened on that day that we found out we were expecting the twins. For whatever reason that gave me hope. I hope to be able to tell my little girl about how beautiful today is, when I found out I was going to be her mom.

I do not know yet if this is going to be an open or closed adoption. Hannah thinks that B will want to meet us and possibly her mom too, but they have not yet discussed that. A story that Hannah told me was when she was talking with B, B asked her if she would have a say in the naming of the baby. Hannah told her that she could name the baby and it would be on the birth certificate but that it might be changed later. B then said, if I could name the baby, I would call her Lucky, because she is so lucky that she is going to have a mom and a dad. I hope that she really wants that for her baby and that she remembers that after the baby is born. Things can happen so fast now, but I have a feeling they will feel like they might last forever.